\"Why,Idon\'tknow,\"shesaid,\"Iguessso.Thedoctorsaidhecouldseesome,andhewantstoseehisfriends.That\'snotstrange——healwaysdid.I\'llask.Willyoutellmeyourname?\"
Itookoutacard.Shehelditwithoutglancingatit,andinvitedmein.
Iwaited,unnervedandfeverish,pulsing,inthedarkandnarrowhallbesidetheflimsyrackwhereseveralcoatsandhatswerehung.OncebeforeIhadvisitedKrebsinthatlodging-houseinCambridgelongagowithsomethingofthesamefeelings.Butnowtheyweregreatlyintensified.Nowhewasdying
Thewomanwasdescending.
\"Hesayshewantstoseeyou,sir,\"shesaidratherbreathlessly,andI
followedher.Inthesemi-darknessofthestairsIpassedthethreemenwhohadbeenwithKrebs,andwhenIreachedtheopendoorofhisroomhewasalone.Ihesitatedjustasecond,sweptbytheheatwavethatfollowssuddenshyness,embarrassment,asenseoffollyitistoolatetoavert.
Krebswasproppedupwithpillows.
\"Well,thisisgoodofyou,\"hesaid,andreachedouthishandacrossthespread.Itookit,andsatdownbesidetheshinyoakbedstead,inachaircoveredwithtobacco-coloredplush.
\"Youfeelbetter?\"Iasked.
\"Oh,Ifeelallright,\"heanswered,withasmile.\"It\'squeer,butI
do.\"
Myeyefelluponthelonglineofsectionalbook-casesthatlinedonesideoftheroom.\"Why,you\'vegotquitealibraryhere,\"Iobserved.
\"Yes,I\'vemanagedtogettogethersomegoodbooks.Butthereissomuchtoreadnowadays,somuchthatisreallygoodandnew,amanhasthehopelessfeelinghecannevercatchupwithitall.Athousandwritersandstudentsaremakingcontributionstodaywherefiftyyearsagotherewasone.\"
\"I\'vebeenfollowingyourspeeches,afterafashion,——IwishImighthavebeenabletoreadmoreofthem.Yourargumentinterestedme.It\'snew,unliketheordinarypropagandaof——\"
\"Ofagitators,\"hesupplied,withasmile.
\"Ofagitators,\"Iagreed,andtriedtoreturnhissmile.\"Anagitatorwhoappearstosuggestthefoundationsofaconstructiveprogrammeandwhoisn\'tafraidtocriticisethemanwithavoteaswellasthecapitalistisanunusualphenomenon.\"
\"Oh,whenwerealizethatwe\'veonlygotalittletimeleftinwhichtotellwhatwethinktobethetruth,itdoesn\'trequireagreatdealofcourage,Paret.Ididn\'tbegintoseethisthinguntilalittlewhileago.Iwasonlyacrude,hot-headedrevolutionist.GodknowsI\'mcrudeenoughstill.ButIbegantohaveaglimmeringofwhatallthesenewfellowsintheuniversitiesaredrivingat.\"Hewavedhishandtowardsthebook-cases.\"Drivingatcollectively,Imean.Andthereareattempts,worthyattempts,tocoordinateandsynthesizethesciences.
WhatIhavebeensayingisnotstrictlyoriginal.Itookitonthestump,that\'sall.Ididn\'texpectittohavemucheffectinthiscampaign,butitwasanopportunitytosowafewseeds,tostartasenseofpersonaldissatisfactioninthemindsofafewvoters.WhatisitBrowningsays?It\'sinBishopBlougram,Ibelieve.\'Whenthefightbeginswithinhimself,aman\'sworthsomething.\'It\'sanintellectualfight,ofcourse.\"
Hiswordswerespokenquietly,butIrealizedsuddenlythatthemysteriousforcewhichhaddrawnmetohimnow,againstmywill,wasanintellectualratherthanapparentlysentimentalone,anintellectualforceseemingtocomprisewithinitallotherhumanattractions.AndyetIfeltasuddencontrition.
\"Seehere,Krebs,\"Isaid,\"Ididn\'tcomeheretobotheryouaboutthesematters,totireyou.Imustn\'tstay.I\'llcallinagaintoseehowyouare——fromtimetotime.\"
\"Butyou\'renottiringme,\"heprotested,stretchingforthathin,detaininghand.\"Idon\'twanttorot,IwanttoliveandthinkaslongasIcan.Totellyouthetruth,Paret,I\'vebeenwishingtotalktoyou——I\'mgladyoucamein.\"
\"You\'vebeenwishingtotalktome?\"Isaid.
\"Yes,butIdidn\'texpectyou\'dcomein.Ihopeyouwon\'tmindmysayingso,underthecircumstances,butI\'vealwaysratherlikedyou,admiredyou,evenbackintheCambridgedays.AfterthatIusedtoblameyouforgoingoutandtakingwhatyouwanted,andIhadtoliveagoodmanyyearsbeforeIbegantoseethatit\'sbetterforamantotakewhathewantsthantotakenothingatall.ItookwhatIwanted,everymanworthhissaltdoes.There\'syourgreatbankerfriendinNewYorkwhomIusedtothinkwasthearch-fiend.Hetookwhathewanted,andhetookagooddeal,butithappenedtobegoodforhim.Andbypilinguphiscorporations,OssaonPelion,heispavingthewayforalogicaleconomicevolution.Howcanamaninourtimefindoutwhathedoeswantunlesshetakessomethingandgivesitatrial?\"
\"Untilhebeginstofeelthatitdisagreeswithhim,\"Isaid.\"Butthen,\"
Iaddedinvoluntarily,\"thenitmaybetoolatetotrysomethingelse,andhemaynotknowwhattotry.\"Thisremarkofminemighthavesurprisedmehaditnotbeenforthefeeling——nowgrowndefinite——thatKrebshadsomethingtogiveme,somethingtopassontome,ofallmen.
Indeed,hehadhintedasmuch,whenheacknowledgedawishtotalktome.
\"Whatseemssostrange,\"Isaid,asIlookedathimlyingbackonhispillows,\"isyourfaiththatweshallbeabletobringorderoutofallthischaos——yourbeliefinDemocracy.\"
\"Democracy\'sanadventure,\"hereplied,\"thegreatadventureofmankind.
Ithinkthetroubleinmanymindsliesinthefactthattheypersistinregardingitassomethingtobemadesafe.Allthatcanbedoneistotrytomakeitassafeaspossible.Butnoadventureissafe——lifeitselfisanadventure,andneitheristhatsafe.It\'sahazard,asyouandIhavefoundout.Themomentwetrytomakelifesafeweloseallthereisinitworthwhile.\"
Ithoughtamoment.
\"Yes,that\'sso,\"Iagreed.Onthetablebesidethebedincompanywithtwoorthreeothervolumes,layaBible.Heseemedtonoticethatmyeyefelluponit.
\"DoyourememberthestoryoftheProdigalSon?\"heasked.\"Well,that\'stheparableofdemocracy,ofself-governmentintheindividualandinsociety.Inordertoarriveatsalvation,Paret,mostofushavetotakeourjourneyintoafarcountry.\"
\"Afarcountry!\"Iexclaimed.Thewordsstruckareminiscentchord.
\"Wehavetoleavewhatseemthesafethings,wehavetowanderandsufferinordertorealizethattheonlytruesafetyliesindevelopment.Wehavefirsttocastofftheleadingstringsofauthority.It\'sadelusionthatwecaninsureourselvesbyremainingwithinitswalls——wehavetoriskourlivesandoursouls.Itisdiscouragingwhenwelookaroundusto-day,andinawaythepessimistsarerightwhentheysaywedon\'tseedemocracy.Weseeonlywhatmaybecalledthefirststageofit;fordemocracyisstillinafarcountryeatingthehusksofindividualism,materialism.Whatweseeisnottruefreedom,butfreedomruntoriot,menstrugglingforthemselves,spendingonthemselvesthefruitsoftheirinheritance;weseeagovernmentintentononeobjectalone——exploitationofthisinheritanceinordertoachievewhatitcallsprosperity.AndGodisfaraway.\"
\"And——weshallturn?\"Iasked.
\"Weshallturnorperish.Ibelievethatweshallturn.\"Hefixedhiseyesonmyface.\"Whatisit,\"heasked,\"thatbroughtyouheretome,to-day?\"
Iwassilent.
\"Themotive,Paret——themotivethatsendsusallwanderingintoisdivine,isinheritedfromGodhimself.Andthesamemotive,afteroureyesshallhavebeenopened,afterweshallhaveseenandknownthetragedyandmiseryoflife,afterweshallhavemadethemistakesandcommittedthesinsandexperiencedtheemptiness——thesamemotivewillleadusbackagain.That,too,isanadventure,thegreatestadventureofall.Because,whenwegobackweshallnotfindthesameGod——orratherweshallrecognizehiminourselves.Autonomyisgodliness,knowledgeisgodliness.Wewentawaycringing,superstitious,wesaweverywhereomensandevidencesofhiswrathintheearthandseaandsky,weburnedcandlesandsacrificedanimalsinthevainhopeofavertingscourgesandothercalamities.Butwhenwecomebackitwillbewithaknowledgeofhisways,gainedataprice,——thepricehe,too,musthavepaid——andweshallbeabletostandupandlookhimintheface,andallourchildishsuperstitionsandoptimismsshallhavebeenburnedaway.\"
SomefaithindeedhadgivenhimstrengthtorenouncethosethingsinlifeIhadhelddear,drivenhimontofightuntilhisexhaustedbodyfailedhim,andevennowthathewasphysicallyhelplesssustainedhim.Ididnotaskmyself,then,thenatureofthisfaith.Initspresenceitcouldnomorebequestionedthanthelight.Itwaslight;Ifeltbathedinit.
Nowitwassoft,suffused:butIrememberedhowthenightbeforeinthehall,justbeforehehadfallen,ithadflashedforthinasmileandilluminedmysoulwithanecstasythatyetwasanguish
\"Weshallgetback,\"Isaidatlength.Myremarkwasnotaquestion——ithadescapedfrommealmostunawares.
\"Thejoyisinthejourney,\"heanswered.\"Thesecretisinthesearch.\"
\"Butforme?\"Iexclaimed.
\"We\'veallbeenlost,Paret.Itwouldseemasthoughwehavetobe.\"
\"Andyetyouare——saved,\"Isaid,hesitatingovertheword.
\"ItistruethatIamcontent,evenhappy,\"heasserted,\"inspiteofmywishtolive.Ifthereisanysecret,itlies,Ithink,inthestruggleforanopenmind,inthekeepingaliveofadesiretoknowmoreandmore.
Thatdesire,strangelyenough,hasn\'tlostitsstrength.Wedon\'tknowwhetherthereisafuturelife,butifthereis,Ithinkitmustbeacontinuationofthis.\"Hepaused.\"ItoldyouIwasgladyoucamein——
I\'vebeenthinkingofyou,andIsawyouinthehalllastnight.Youaskwhatthereisforyou——I\'lltellyou,——thenewgeneration.\"
\"Thenewgeneration.\"
\"That\'sthetaskofeverymanandwomanwhowakesup.I\'vecometoseehowlittlecanbedoneforthegreatmajorityofthosewhohavereachedourage.It\'shard——butit\'strue.Superstition,sentiment,thehabitofwrongthinkingorofnotthinkingatallhavestruckintoodeep,thehabitofunreasoningacceptanceofauthorityistooparalyzing.Somemaybestungbackintolife,spurredontofindoutwhattheworldreallyis,butnotmany.Thehopeliesinthosewhoarecomingafterus——wemustdoforthemwhatwasn\'tdoneforus.Wereallydidn\'thavemuchofachance,Paret.WhatdidourinstructorsatHarvardknowabouttheagethatwasdawning?whatdidanybodyknow?Youcaneducateyourself——orratherreeducateyourself.Allthis\"——andhewavedhishandtowardshisbookshelves——\"allthishassprungupsinceyouandIwereatCambridge;
ifwedon\'ttrytobecomefamiliarwithit,ifwefailtograspthepointofviewfromwhichit\'swritten,there\'slittlehopeforus.Goawayfromallthisandgetstraightenedout,makeyourselfacquaintedwiththemoderntrendinliteratureandcriticism,withmodernhistory,findoutwhat\'sbeingdoneinthefieldofeducation,readthemodernsciences,especiallybiology,andpsychologyandsociology,andtrytogetaglimpseofthefundamentalhumanneedsunderlyingsuchphenomenaasthelabourandwoman\'smovements.GodknowsI\'vejustbeguntogetmyglimpse,andI\'veflounderedaroundeversinceIleftcollegeI
don\'tmeantosaywecaneverseethewhole,butwecangetaclew,anidea,andpassitontoourchildren.Youhavechildren,haven\'tyou?\"
\"Yes,\"Isaid
Hesaidnothing——heseemedtobelookingoutofthewindow.
\"Thenthescientificpointofviewinyouropinionhasn\'tdoneawaywithreligion?\"Iaskedpresently.
\"Thescientificpointofviewisthereligiouspointofview,\"hesaidearnestly,\"becauseit\'stheonlyself-respectingpointofview.Ican\'tbelievethatGodintendedtomakeacreaturewhowouldnotultimatelyweighhisbeliefswithhisreasoninsteadofacceptingthemblindly.
That\'simmoral,ifyoulike——especiallyinthesedays.\"
\"Andarethere,then,no\'over-beliefs\'?\"Isaid,rememberingtheexpressioninsomethingIhadread.
\"Thatseemstomearelicofthemethodofancientscience,whichwasupsidedown,——amereconfusionwithfaith.Faithandbeliefaretwodifferentthings;faithistheemotion,thesteam,ifyoulike,thatdrivesusoninoursearchfortruth.Theories,atastretch,mightbeidentifiedwith\'over-beliefs\'butwhenitcomestoconfusingourtheorieswithfacts,insteadofrecognizingthemastheories,whenitcomestolivingby\'over-beliefs\'thathavenobasisinreasonandobservedfacts,——thatisfatal.It\'sjustthetroublewithsomuchofourelectorateto-day——unreasoningacceptancewithoutthought.\"
\"Then,\"Isaid,\"youadmitofnootherfacultythanreason?\"
\"IconfessthatIdon\'t.AgreatmanyinsightsthatweseemtogetfromwhatwecallintuitionIthinkareduetothereason,whichisunconsciouslyatwork.Iftherewereanotherfacultythatequalledortranscendedreason,itseemstomeitwouldbeaverydangerousthingfortheworld\'sprogress.We\'dcometorelyonitratherthanonourselvesthetroublewiththeworldisthatithasbeenrelyingonit.Reasonisthemind——itleapstothestarswithoutrealizingalwayshowitgetsthere.Itisthroughreasonwegettheself-reliancethatredeemsus.\"
\"Butyou!\"Iexclaimed.\"Yourelyonsomethingelsebesidesreason?\"
\"Yes,itistrue,\"heexplainedgently,\"butthatThingOther-than-
Ourselveswefeelstirringinusispower,andthatpower,ortheSourceofit,seemstohavegivenusourreasonforguidance——ifitwerenotsoweshouldn\'thaveasemblanceoffreedom.Forthereisneithervirtuenordevelopmentinfindingthepathifweareguided.Wedorelyonthatpowerformovement——andinthemomentswhenitiswithdrawnwearehelpless.BoththepowerandthereasonareGod\'s.\"
\"ButtheChurch,\"Iwasmovedbysomeuntracedthoughttoask,\"youbelievethereisafuturefortheChurch?\"
\"Achurchofallthosewhodisseminatetruth,fosteropen-mindedness,servehumanityandradiatefaith,\"hereplied——butasthoughhewerespeakingtohimself,nottome
Afewmomentslatertherewasaknockatthedoor,andthewomanofthehouseenteredtosaythatDr.Hepburnhadarrived.IroseandshookKrebs\'shand:sheerinabilitytoexpressmyemotiondrovemetocommonplaces.
\"I\'llcomeinsoonagain,ifImay,\"Itoldhim.
\"Do,Paret,\"hesaid,\"it\'sdonemegoodtotalktoyou——moregoodthanyouimagine.\"
Iwasunabletoanswerhim,butIglancedbackfromthedoorwaytoseehimsmilingafterme.OnmywaydownthestairsIbumpedintothedoctorasheascended.Thedingybrownparlourwasfilledwithmen,standingingroupsandtalkinginsubduedvoices.Ihurriedintothestreet,andonthesidewalkstoppedfacetofacewithPerryBlackwood.
\"Hugh!\"heexclaimed.\"Whatareyoudoinghere?\"
\"IcametoinquireforKrebs,\"Ianswered.\"I\'veseenhim.\"
\"You——you\'vebeentalkingtohim?\"Perrydemanded.
Inodded.HestaredatmeforamomentwithanastonishmenttowhichI
waswhollyindifferent.Hedidnotseemtoknowjusthowtoact.
\"Well,itwasdecentofyou,Hugh,Imustsay.Howdoesheseem?\"
\"Notatalllike——likewhatyou\'dexpect,inhismanner.\"
\"No,\"agreedPerryagitatedly,\"no,hewouldn\'t.MyGod,we\'velostabigmaninhim.\"
\"Ithinkwehave,\"Isaid.
Hestaredatmeagain,gavemehishandawkwardly,andwentintothehouse.ItwasnotuntilIhadwalkedthelengthoftheblockthatI
begantorealizewhatashockmypresencetheremusthavebeentohim,withhisheadfullofthecontrastbetweenthisvisitandmyformerattitude.CoulditbethatitwasonlythenightbeforeIhadmadeaspeechagainsthimandhisassociates?Itisinterestingthatmymindrejectedallsenseofanomalyandinconsistency.Krebspossessedme;I
musthavebeeninrealityextremelyagitated,butthissenseofbeingpossessedseemedaquietone.Anamazingthinghadhappened——andyetI
wasnotamazed.TheKrebsIhadseenwasthemanIhadknownformanyyears,themanIhadridiculed,despisedandoppressed,butitseemedtomethenthathehadbeenmyfriendandintimateallmylife:morethanthat,Ihadanoddfeelinghehadalwaysbeenapartofme,andthatnowhadbeguntotakeplaceamergingofpersonality.NorcouldIfeelthathewasadyingman.Hewouldliveon
Icouldnotasyetsortandappraise,reducetoorderthepossessionshehadwishedtoturnovertome.
Itwasnoon,andpeoplewerewalkingpastmeinthewatery,dilutedsunlight,meninblackcoatsandtophatsandwomeninbizarre,complicatedcostumesbrightwithcolour.Ihadreachedthemorerespectableportionofthecity,wherethechurcheswereemptying.Theseverypeople,whomnotlongagoIwouldhaveacknowledgedasmyownkind,nowseemedmildlyanimatedautomatons,waxfigures.ThedaywaslikehundredsofSundaysIhadknown,thecityfamiliar,yetpassingstrange.
Iwalkedlikeaghostthroughit
XXVI.
