第12章

Theyfoundacottage，wheretheysatinthecoldparlour。 Shepouredouthistea。Shewasveryquiet。Hefeltshehadwithdrawn，againfromhim。Aftertea，shestaredbroodinglyintohertea-cup，twistingherweddingringallthetime。Inherabstractionshetook，theringoffherfinger，stooditup，andspunituponthetable。 Thegoldbecameadiaphanous，glitteringglobe。Itfell，andthe，ringwasquiveringuponthetable。Shespunitagainandagain。 Paulwatched，fascinated。 Butshewasamarriedwoman，andhebelievedinsimplefriendship。 Andheconsideredthathewasperfectlyhonourablewithregardtoher。 Itwasonlyafriendshipbetweenmanandwoman，suchasanycivilised，personsmighthave。 Hewaslikesomanyyoungmenofhisownage。Sexhadbecome，socomplicatedinhimthathewouldhavedeniedthatheever，couldwantClaraorMiriamoranywomanwhomheknew。Sexdesire，wasasortofdetachedthing，thatdidnotbelongtoawoman。 HelovedMiriamwithhissoul。Hegrewwarmatthethought，ofClara，hebattledwithher，heknewthecurvesofherbreast，andshouldersasiftheyhadbeenmouldedinsidehim;andyethe，didnotpositivelydesireher。Hewouldhavedenieditforever。 HebelievedhimselfreallyboundtoMiriam。Ifeverheshouldmarry，sometimeinthefarfuture，itwouldbehisdutytomarryMiriam。 ThathegaveClaratounderstand，andshesaidnothing，butlefthim，tohiscourses。Hecametoher，Mrs。Dawes，wheneverhecould。 ThenhewrotefrequentlytoMiriam，andvisitedthegirloccasionally。 Sohewentonthroughthewinter;butheseemednotsofretted。 Hismotherwaseasierabouthim。Shethoughthewasgettingaway，fromMiriam。 MiriamknewnowhowstrongwastheattractionofClaraforhim; butstillshewascertainthatthebestinhimwouldtriumph。 HisfeelingforMrs。Dawes——who，moreover，wasamarriedwoman—— wasshallowandtemporal，comparedwithhisloveforherself。 Hewouldcomebacktoher，shewassure;withsomeofhisyoung，freshnessgone，perhaps，butcuredofhisdesireforthelesserthings，whichotherwomenthanherselfcouldgivehim。Shecouldbearall，ifhewereinwardlytruetoherandmustcomeback。 Hesawnoneoftheanomalyofhisposition。Miriamwashis，oldfriend，lover，andshebelongedtoBestwoodandhomeandhisyouth。 Clarawasanewerfriend，andshebelongedtoNottingham，tolife，totheworld。Itseemedtohimquiteplain。 Mrs。Dawesandhehadmanyperiodsofcoolness，whentheysaw，littleofeachother;buttheyalwayscametogetheragain。 “WereyouhorridwithBaxterDawes？”heaskedher。Itwas，athingthatseemedtotroublehim。 “Inwhatway？” “Oh，Idon’tknow。Butweren’tyouhorridwithhim？ Didn’tyoudosomethingthatknockedhimtopieces？” “What，pray？” “Makinghimfeelasifhewerenothing——Iknow，“Pauldeclared。 “Youaresoclever，myfriend，“shesaidcoolly。 Theconversationbrokeoffthere。Butitmadehercool，withhimforsometime。 SheveryrarelysawMiriamnow。Thefriendshipbetween，thetwowomenwasnotbrokenoff，butconsiderablyweakened。 “WillyoucomeintotheconcertonSundayafternoon？” ClaraaskedhimjustafterChristmas。 “IpromisedtogouptoWilleyFarm，“hereplied。 “Oh，verywell。” “Youdon’tmind，doyou？”heasked。 “WhyshouldI？”sheanswered。 Whichalmostannoyedhim。 “Youknow，“hesaid，“MiriamandIhavebeenalottoeach，othereversinceIwassixteen——that’ssevenyearsnow。” “It’salongtime，“Clarareplied。 “Yes;butsomehowshe——itdoesn’tgoright——“ “How？”askedClara。 “Sheseemstodrawmeanddrawme，andshewouldn’tleave，asinglehairofmefreetofalloutandblowaway——she’dkeepit。” “Butyouliketobekept。” “No，“hesaid，“Idon’t。Iwishitcouldbenormal，giveandtake—— likemeandyou。Iwantawomantokeepme，butnotinherpocket。” “Butifyouloveher，itcouldn’tbenormal，likemeandyou。” “Yes;Ishouldloveherbetterthen。Shesortofwantsme，somuchthatIcan’tgivemyself。” “Wantsyouhow？” “Wantsthesouloutofmybody。Ican’thelpshrinkingback，fromher。” “Andyetyouloveher！” “No，Idon’tloveher。Ineverevenkissher。” “Whynot？”Claraasked。 “Idon’tknow。” “Isupposeyou’reafraid，“shesaid。 “I’mnot。Somethinginmeshrinksfromherlikehell——she’s，sogood，whenI’mnotgood。” “Howdoyouknowwhatsheis？” “Ido！，Iknowshewantsasortofsoulunion。” “Buthowdoyouknowwhatshewants？” “I’vebeenwithherforsevenyears。” “Andyouhaven’tfoundouttheveryfirstthingabouther。” “What’sthat？” “Thatshedoesn’twantanyofyoursoulcommunion。 That’syourownimagination。Shewantsyou。” Heponderedoverthis。Perhapshewaswrong。 “Butsheseems——“hebegan。 “You’venevertried，“sheanswered。 CHAPTERXI THETESTONMIRIAM WITHthespringcameagaintheoldmadnessandbattle。Nowhe，knewhewouldhavetogotoMiriam。Butwhatwashisreluctance？ Hetoldhimselfitwasonlyasortofoverstrongvirginityinher，andhimwhichneithercouldbreakthrough。Hemighthavemarriedher; buthiscircumstancesathomemadeitdifficult，and，moreover，hedid，notwanttomarry。Marriagewasforlife，andbecausetheyhadbecome，closecompanions，heandshe，hedidnotseethatitshouldinevitably，followtheyshouldbemanandwife。Hedidnotfeelthathewanted，marriagewithMiriam。Hewishedhedid。Hewouldhavegivenhis，headtohavefeltajoyousdesiretomarryherandtohaveher。 Thenwhycouldn’thebringitoff？，Therewassomeobstacle; andwhatwastheobstacle？，Itlayinthephysicalbondage。 Heshrankfromthephysicalcontact。Butwhy？，Withherhefeltbound，upinsidehimself。Hecouldnotgoouttoher。Somethingstruggled，inhim，buthecouldnotgettoher。Why？，Shelovedhim。 Clarasaidsheevenwantedhim;thenwhycouldn’thegotoher，makelovetoher，kissher？，Why，whensheputherarminhis，timidly，astheywalked，didhefeelhewouldburstforthinbrutality，andrecoil？，Heowedhimselftoher;hewantedtobelongtoher。 Perhapstherecoilandtheshrinkingfromherwasloveinitsfirst，fiercemodesty。Hehadnoaversionforher。No，itwastheopposite; itwasastrongdesirebattlingwithastillstrongershyness，andvirginity。Itseemedasifvirginitywereapositiveforce，whichfoughtandwoninbothofthem。Andwithherhefeltit，sohardtoovercome;yethewasnearesttoher，andwithheralone，couldhedeliberatelybreakthrough。Andheowedhimselftoher。 Then，iftheycouldgetthingsright，theycouldmarry;buthe，wouldnotmarryunlesshecouldfeelstronginthejoyofit——never。 Hecouldnothavefacedhismother。Itseemedtohimthat，tosacrificehimselfinamarriagehedidnotwantwouldbe，degrading，andwouldundoallhislife，makeitanullity。 HewouldtrywhatheCOULDdo。 AndhehadagreattendernessforMiriam。Always，shewassad，dreamingherreligion;andhewasnearlyareligiontoher。Hecould，notbeartofailher。Itwouldallcomerightiftheytried。 Helookedround。Agoodmanyofthenicestmenheknewwere，likehimself，boundinbytheirownvirginity，whichtheycouldnot，breakoutof。Theyweresosensitivetotheirwomenthattheywould，gowithoutthemforeverratherthandothemahurt，aninjustice。 Beingthesonsofmotherswhosehusbandshadblunderedrather，brutallythroughtheirfemininesanctities，theywerethemselves，toodiffidentandshy。Theycouldeasierdenythemselvesthanincur，anyreproachfromawoman;forawomanwasliketheirmother，andthey，werefullofthesenseoftheirmother。Theypreferredthemselves，tosufferthemiseryofcelibacy，ratherthanrisktheotherperson。 Hewentbacktoher。Somethinginher，whenhelookedather，broughtthetearsalmosttohiseyes。Onedayhestoodbehindher，asshesang。Anniewasplayingasongonthepiano。AsMiriamsang，hermouthseemedhopeless。Shesanglikeanunsingingtoheaven。 Itremindedhimsomuchofthemouthandeyesofonewhosings，besideaBotticelliMadonna，sospiritual。Again，hotassteel，cameupthepaininhim。Whymustheaskherfortheotherthing？ Whywastherehisbloodbattlingwithher？，Ifonlyhecouldhavebeen，alwaysgentle，tenderwithher，breathingwithhertheatmosphere，ofreverieandreligiousdreams，hewouldgivehisrighthand。 Itwasnotfairtohurther。Thereseemedaneternalmaidenhood，abouther;andwhenhethoughtofhermother，hesawthegreat，browneyesofamaidenwhowasnearlyscaredandshockedoutofher，virginmaidenhood，butnotquite，inspiteofhersevenchildren。 Theyhadbeenbornalmostleavingheroutofcount，notofher，butuponher。Soshecouldneverletthemgo，becausesheneverhad，possessedthem。 Mrs。MorelsawhimgoingagainfrequentlytoMiriam，andwasastonished。Hesaidnothingtohismother。Hedidnotexplain，norexcusehimself。Ifhecamehomelate，andshereproachedhim，hefrownedandturnedonherinanoverbearingway： “IshallcomehomewhenIlike，“hesaid;“Iamoldenough。” “Mustshekeepyoutillthistime？” “ItisIwhostay，“heanswered。 “Andsheletsyou？，Butverywell，“shesaid。 Andshewenttobed，leavingthedoorunlockedforhim; butshelaylisteninguntilhecame，oftenlongafter。 ItwasagreatbitternesstoherthathehadgonebacktoMiriam。 Sherecognised，however，theuselessnessofanyfurtherinterference。 HewenttoWilleyFarmasamannow，notasayouth。Shehad，norightoverhim。Therewasacoldnessbetweenhimandher。 Hehardlytoldheranything。Discarded，shewaitedonhim，cookedfor，himstill，andlovedtoslaveforhim;butherfaceclosedagain，likeamask。Therewasnothingforhertodonowbutthehousework; foralltheresthehadgonetoMiriam。Shecouldnotforgivehim。 Miriamkilledthejoyandthewarmthinhim。Hehadbeensucha，jollylad，andfullofthewarmestaffection;nowhegrewcolder，moreandmoreirritableandgloomy。ItremindedherofWilliam; butPaulwasworse。Hedidthingswithmoreintensity，andmore，realisationofwhathewasabout。Hismotherknewhowhewas，sufferingforwantofawoman，andshesawhimgoingtoMiriam。 Ifhehadmadeuphismind，nothingonearthwouldalterhim。 Mrs。Morelwastired。Shebegantogiveupatlast;shehadfinished。 Shewasintheway。 Hewentondeterminedly。Herealisedmoreorlesswhathis，motherfelt。Itonlyhardenedhissoul。Hemadehimselfcallous，towardsher;butitwaslikebeingcalloustohisownhealth。 Itunderminedhimquickly;yethepersisted。 Helaybackintherocking-chairatWilleyFarmoneevening。 HehadbeentalkingtoMiriamforsomeweeks，buthadnotcometo，thepoint。Nowhesaidsuddenly： “Iamtwenty-four，almost。” Shehadbeenbrooding。Shelookedupathimsuddenlyinsurprise。 “Yes。Whatmakesyousayit？” Therewassomethinginthechargedatmospherethatshedreaded。 “SirThomasMoresaysonecanmarryattwenty-four。” Shelaughedquaintly，saying： “DoesitneedSirThomasMore’ssanction？” “No;butoneoughttomarryaboutthen。” “Ay，“sheansweredbroodingly;andshewaited。 “Ican’tmarryyou，“hecontinuedslowly，“notnow，becausewe’ve，nomoney，andtheydependonmeathome。” Shesathalf-guessingwhatwascoming。 “ButIwanttomarrynow——“ “Youwanttomarry？”sherepeated。 “Awoman——youknowwhatImean。” Shewassilent。 “Now，atlast，Imust，“hesaid。 “Ay，“sheanswered。 “Andyouloveme？” Shelaughedbitterly。 “Whyareyouashamedofit，“heanswered。”Youwouldn’t，beashamedbeforeyourGod，whyareyoubeforepeople？” “Nay，“sheanswereddeeply，“Iamnotashamed。” “Youare，“herepliedbitterly;“andit’smyfault。Butyou，knowIcan’thelpbeing——asIam——don’tyou？” “Iknowyoucan’thelpit，“shereplied。 “Iloveyouanawfullot——thenthereissomethingshort。” “Where？”sheanswered，lookingathim。 “Oh，inme！，ItisIwhooughttobeashamed——like，aspiritualcripple。AndIamashamed。Itismisery。Whyisit？” “Idon’tknow，“repliedMiriam。 “AndIdon’tknow，“herepeated。”Don’tyouthinkwehave，beentoofierceinourwhattheycallpurity？，Don’tyouthink，thattobesomuchafraidandaverseisasortofdirtiness？” Shelookedathimwithstartleddarkeyes。 “Yourecoiledawayfromanythingofthesort，andItook，themotionfromyou，andrecoiledalso，perhapsworse。” Therewassilenceintheroomforsometime。 “Yes，“shesaid，“itisso。” “Thereisbetweenus，“hesaid，“alltheseyearsofintimacy。 Ifeelnakedenoughbeforeyou。Doyouunderstand？” “Ithinkso，“sheanswered。 “Andyouloveme？” Shelaughed。 “Don’tbebitter，“hepleaded。 Shelookedathimandwassorryforhim;hiseyesweredark，withtorture。Shewassorryforhim;itwasworseforhimtohavethis，deflatedlovethanforherself，whocouldneverbeproperlymated。 Hewasrestless，foreverurgingforwardandtryingtofindawayout。 Hemightdoasheliked，andhavewhathelikedofher。 “Nay，“shesaidsoftly，“Iamnotbitter。” Shefeltshecouldbearanythingforhim;shewouldsufferforhim。 Sheputherhandonhiskneeasheleanedforwardinhischair。 Hetookitandkissedit;butithurttodoso。Hefelthewas，puttinghimselfaside。Hesattheresacrificedtoherpurity，whichfeltmorelikenullity。Howcouldhekissherhandpassionately，whenitwoulddriveheraway，andleavenothingbutpain？，Yetslowly，hedrewhertohimandkissedher。 Theykneweachothertoowelltopretendanything。 Asshekissedhim，shewatchedhiseyes;theywerestaringacross，theroom，withapeculiardarkblazeinthemthatfascinatedher。 Hewasperfectlystill。Shecouldfeelhisheartthrobbingheavily，inhisbreast。 “Whatareyouthinkingabout？”sheasked。 Theblazeinhiseyesshuddered，becameuncertain。 “Iwasthinking，allthewhile，Iloveyou。Ihavebeenobstinate。” Shesankherheadonhisbreast。 “Yes，“sheanswered。 “That’sall，“hesaid，andhisvoiceseemedsure，andhismouth，waskissingherthroat。 Thensheraisedherheadandlookedintohiseyeswithher，fullgazeoflove。Theblazestruggled，seemedtotrytogetaway，fromher，andthenwasquenched。Heturnedhisheadquicklyaside。 Itwasamomentofanguish。 “Kissme，“shewhispered。 Heshuthiseyes，andkissedher，andhisarmsfoldedher，closerandcloser。 Whenshewalkedhomewithhimoverthefields，hesaid： “IamgladIcamebacktoyou。Ifeelsosimplewithyou——as，iftherewasnothingtohide。Wewillbehappy？” “Yes，“shemurmured，andthetearscametohereyes。 “Somesortofperversityinoursouls，“hesaid，“makesus，notwant，getawayfrom，theverythingwewant。Wehavetofight，againstthat。” “Yes，“shesaid，andshefeltstunned。 Asshestoodunderthedrooping-thorntree，inthedarknessby，theroadside，hekissedher，andhisfingerswanderedoverherface。 Inthedarkness，wherehecouldnotseeherbutonlyfeelher，hispassionfloodedhim。Heclaspedherveryclose。 “Sometimeyouwillhaveme？”hemurmured，hidinghisface，onhershoulder。Itwassodifficult。 “Notnow，“shesaid。 Hishopesandhisheartsunk。Adrearinesscameoverhim。 “No，“hesaid。 Hisclaspofherslackened。 “IlovetofeelyourarmTHERE！”shesaid，pressinghisarm，againstherback，whereitwentroundherwaist。”Itrestsmeso。” Hetightenedthepressureofhisarmuponthesmallofher，backtoresther。 “Webelongtoeachother，“hesaid。 “Yes。” “Thenwhyshouldn’twebelongtoeachotheraltogether？” “But——“shefaltered。 “Iknowit’salottoask，“hesaid;“butthere’snotmuchrisk，foryoureally——notintheGretchenway。Youcantrustmethere？” “Oh，Icantrustyou。”，Theanswercamequickandstrong。 “It’snotthat——it’snotthatatall——but——“ “What？” Shehidherfaceinhisneckwithalittlecryofmisery。 “Idon’tknow！”shecried。 Sheseemedslightlyhysterical，butwithasortofhorror。 Hisheartdiedinhim。 “Youdon’tthinkitugly？”heasked。 “No，notnow。YouhaveTAUGHTmeitisn’t。” “Youareafraid？” Shecalmedherselfhastily。 “Yes，Iamonlyafraid，“shesaid。 Hekissedhertenderly。 “Nevermind，“hesaid。”Youshouldpleaseyourself。” Suddenlyshegrippedhisarmsroundher，andclenchedher，bodystiff。 “YouSHALLhaveme，“shesaid，throughhershutteeth。 Hisheartbeatupagainlikefire。Hefoldedherclose，andhis，mouthwasonherthroat。Shecouldnotbearit。Shedrewaway。 Hedisengagedher。 “Won’tyoubelate？”sheaskedgently。 Hesighed，scarcelyhearingwhatshesaid。Shewaited，wishinghewouldgo。Atlasthekissedherquicklyandclimbed，thefence。Lookingroundhesawthepaleblotchofherfacedown，inthedarknessunderthehangingtree。Therewasnomoreofher，butthispaleblotch。 “Good-bye！”shecalledsoftly。Shehadnobody，onlya，voiceandadimface。Heturnedawayandrandowntheroad，hisfistsclenched;andwhenhecametothewalloverthelake，heleanedthere，almoststunned，lookinguptheblackwater。 Miriamplungedhomeoverthemeadows。Shewasnotafraid，ofpeople，whattheymightsay;butshedreadedtheissue，withhim。Yes，shewouldlethimhaveherifheinsisted; andthen，whenshethoughtofitafterwards，herheartwentdown。 Hewouldbedisappointed，hewouldfindnosatisfaction，andthenhe，wouldgoaway。Yethewassoinsistent;andoverthis，whichdid，notseemsoall-importanttoher，wastheirlovetobreakdown。 Afterall，hewasonlylikeothermen，seekinghissatisfaction。 Oh，buttherewassomethingmoreinhim，somethingdeeper！，Shecould，trusttoit，inspiteofalldesires。Hesaidthatpossessionwas，agreatmomentinlife。Allstrongemotionsconcentratedthere。 Perhapsitwasso。Therewassomethingdivineinit;thenshe，wouldsubmit，religiously，tothesacrifice。Heshouldhaveher。 Andatthethoughtherwholebodyclencheditselfinvoluntarily，hard，asifagainstsomething;butLifeforcedherthroughthis，gateofsuffering，too，andshewouldsubmit。Atanyrate，itwouldgivehimwhathewanted，whichwasherdeepestwish。 Shebroodedandbroodedandbroodedherselftowardsacceptinghim。 Hecourtedhernowlikealover。Often，whenhegrewhot，sheputhisfacefromher，helditbetweenherhands，andlookedin，hiseyes。Hecouldnotmeethergaze。Herdarkeyes，fulloflove，earnestandsearching，madehimturnaway。Notforaninstant，wouldshelethimforget。Backagainhehadtotorturehimself，intoasenseofhisresponsibilityandhers。Neveranyrelaxing，neveranyleavinghimselftothegreathungerandimpersonality，ofpassion;hemustbebroughtbacktoadeliberate，reflectivecreature。 Asiffromaswoonofpassionshecagedhimbacktothelittleness，thepersonalrelationship。Hecouldnotbearit。”Leaveme，alone——leavemealone！”hewantedtocry;butshewantedhimto，lookatherwitheyesfulloflove。Hiseyes，fullofthedark，impersonalfireofdesire，didnotbelongtoher。 Therewasagreatcropofcherriesatthefarm。Thetreesat，thebackofthehouse，verylargeandtall，hungthickwithscarlet，andcrimsondrops，underthedarkleaves。PaulandEdgarweregathering，thefruitoneevening。Ithadbeenahotday，andnowtheclouds，wererollinginthesky，darkandwarm。Paulcombedhighinthetree，abovethescarletroofsofthebuildings。Thewind，moaningsteadily，madethewholetreerockwithasubtle，thrillingmotionthatstirred，theblood。Theyoungman，perchedinsecurelyintheslenderbranches，rockedtillhefeltslightlydrunk，reacheddowntheboughs，wherethescarletbeadycherrieshungthickunderneath，andtore，offhandfulafterhandfulofthesleek，cool-fleshedfruit。 Cherriestouchedhisearsandhisneckashestretchedforward，theirchillfinger-tipssendingaflashdownhisblood。Allshades，ofred，fromagoldenvermiliontoarichcrimson，glowedandmet，hiseyesunderadarknessofleaves。 Thesun，goingdown，suddenlycaughtthebrokenclouds。 Immensepilesofgoldflaredoutinthesouth-east，heapedinsoft，glowingyellowrightupthesky。Theworld，tillnowduskandgrey，reflectedthegoldglow，astonished。Everywherethetrees，andthegrass，andthefar-offwater，seemedrousedfromthetwilight，andshining。 Miriamcameoutwondering。 “Oh！”Paulheardhermellowvoicecall，“isn’titwonderful？” Helookeddown。Therewasafaintgoldglimmeronherface，thatlookedverysoft，turneduptohim。 “Howhighyouare！”shesaid。 Besideher，ontherhubarbleaves，werefourdeadbirds，thievesthathadbeenshot。Paulsawsomecherrystoneshanging，quitebleached，likeskeletons，pickedclearofflesh。Helooked，downagaintoMiriam。 “Cloudsareonfire，“hesaid。 “Beautiful！”shecried。 Sheseemedsosmall，sosoft，sotender，downthere。Hethrew，ahandfulofcherriesather。Shewasstartledandfrightened。 Helaughedwithalow，chucklingsound，andpeltedher。Sheran，forshelter，pickingupsomecherries。Twofineredpairsshehung，overherears;thenshelookedupagain。 “Haven’tyougotenough？”sheasked。 “Nearly。Itislikebeingonashipuphere。” “Andhowlongwillyoustay？” “Whilethesunsetlasts。” Shewenttothefenceandsatthere，watchingthegoldcloudsfall，topieces，andgoinimmense，rose-colouredruintowardsthedarkness。 Goldflamedtoscarlet，likepaininitsintensebrightness。 Thenthescarletsanktorose，androsetocrimson，andquickly，thepassionwentoutofthesky。Alltheworldwasdarkgrey。 Paulscrambledquicklydownwithhisbasket，tearinghisshirt-sleeve，ashedidso。 “Theyarelovely，“saidMiriam，fingeringthecherries。 “I’vetornmysleeve，“heanswered。 Shetookthethree-corneredrip，saying： “Ishallhavetomendit。”，Itwasneartheshoulder。 Sheputherfingersthroughthetear。”Howwarm！”shesaid。 Helaughed。Therewasanew，strangenoteinhisvoice，onethatmadeherpant。 “Shallwestayout？”hesaid。 “Won’titrain？”sheasked。 “No，letuswalkalittleway。” Theywentdownthefieldsandintothethickplantation，oftreesandpines。 “Shallwegoinamongthetrees？”heasked。 “Doyouwantto？” “Yes。” Itwasverydarkamongthefirs，andthesharpspinespricked，herface。Shewasafraid。Paulwassilentandstrange。 “Ilikethedarkness，“hesaid。”Iwishitwerethicker——good，thickdarkness。” Heseemedtobealmostunawareofherasaperson：，shewas，onlytohimthenawoman。Shewasafraid。 Hestoodagainstapine-treetrunkandtookherinhisarms。 Sherelinquishedherselftohim，butitwasasacrificeinwhichshe，feltsomethingofhorror。Thisthick-voiced，obliviousmanwas，astrangertoher。 Lateritbegantorain。Thepine-treessmelledverystrong。 Paullaywithhisheadontheground，onthedeadpineneedles，listeningtothesharphissoftherain——asteady，keennoise。 Hisheartwasdown，veryheavy。Nowherealisedthatshehad，notbeenwithhimallthetime，thathersoulhadstoodapart，inasortofhorror。Hewasphysicallyatrest，butnomore。 Verydrearyatheart，verysad，andverytender，hisfingerswandered，overherfacepitifully。Nowagainshelovedhimdeeply。Hewastender，andbeautiful。 “Therain！”hesaid。 “Yes——isitcomingonyou？” Sheputherhandsoverhim，onhishair，onhisshoulders，tofeel，iftheraindropsfellonhim。Shelovedhimdearly。He，ashelay，withhisfaceonthedeadpine-leaves，feltextraordinarilyquiet。 Hedidnotmindiftheraindropscameonhim：，hewouldhavelain，andgotwetthrough：，hefeltasifnothingmattered，asifhis，livingweresmearedawayintothebeyond，nearandquitelovable。 Thisstrange，gentlereaching-outtodeathwasnewtohim。 “Wemustgo，“saidMiriam。 “Yes，“heanswered，butdidnotmove。 Tohimnow，lifeseemedashadow，dayawhiteshadow;night，anddeath，andstillness，andinaction，thisseemedlikeBEING。 Tobealive，tobeurgentandinsistent——thatwasNOT-TO-BE。The，highestofallwastomeltoutintothedarknessandswaythere，identifiedwiththegreatBeing。 “Therainiscominginonus，“saidMiriam。 Herose，andassistedher。 “Itisapity，“hesaid。 “What？” “Tohavetogo。Ifeelsostill。” “Still！”sherepeated。 “StillerthanIhaveeverbeeninmylife。” Hewaswalkingwithhishandinhers。Shepressedhisfingers，feelingaslightfear。Nowheseemedbeyondher;shehadafear，lestsheshouldlosehim。 “Thefir-treesarelikepresencesonthedarkness：，eachone，onlyapresence。” Shewasafraid，andsaidnothing。 “Asortofhush：，thewholenightwonderingandasleep： Isupposethat’swhatwedoindeath——sleepinwonder。” Shehadbeenafraidbeforeofthebruteinhim：，nowofthemystic。 Shetrodbesidehiminsilence。Therainfellwithaheavy“Hush！” onthetrees。Atlasttheygainedthecartshed。 “Letusstayhereawhile，“hesaid。 Therewasasoundofraineverywhere，smotheringeverything。 “Ifeelsostrangeandstill，“hesaid;“alongwitheverything。” “Ay，“sheansweredpatiently。 Heseemedagainunawareofher，thoughheheldherhandclose。 “Toberidofourindividuality，whichisourwill，whichis，oureffort——toliveeffortless，akindofcurioussleep——thatis，verybeautiful，Ithink;thatisourafter-life——ourimmortality。” “Yes？” “Yes——andverybeautifultohave。” “Youdon’tusuallysaythat。” “No。” Inawhiletheywentindoors。Everybodylookedatthemcuriously。 Hestillkeptthequiet，heavylookinhiseyes，thestillness，inhisvoice。Instinctively，theyalllefthimalone。 AboutthistimeMiriam’sgrandmother，wholivedinatinycottage，inWoodlinton，fellill，andthegirlwassenttokeephouse。 Itwasabeautifullittleplace。Thecottagehadabiggardeninfront，withredbrickwalls，againstwhichtheplumtreeswerenailed。 Atthebackanothergardenwasseparatedfromthefieldsbyatall，oldhedge。Itwasverypretty。Miriamhadnotmuchtodo，soshefoundtimeforherbelovedreading，andforwritinglittle，introspectivepieceswhichinterestedher。 Attheholiday-timehergrandmother，beingbetter，wasdriven，toDerbytostaywithherdaughterforadayortwo。Shewasa，crotchetyoldlady，andmightreturntheseconddayorthethird; soMiriamstayedaloneinthecottage，whichalsopleasedher。 Paulusedoftentocycleover，andtheyhadasarule，peacefulandhappytimes。Hedidnotembarrasshermuch;butthen，ontheMondayoftheholidayhewastospendawholedaywithher。 Itwasperfectweather。Helefthismother，tellingherwherehe，wasgoing。Shewouldbealonealltheday。Itcastashadowoverhim; buthehadthreedaysthatwereallhisown，whenhewas，goingtodoasheliked。Itwassweettorush，throughthemorninglanesonhisbicycle。 Hegottothecottageatabouteleveno’clock。Miriamwasbusy，preparingdinner。Shelookedsoperfectlyinkeepingwiththe，littlekitchen，ruddyandbusy。Hekissedherandsatdowntowatch。 Theroomwassmallandcosy。Thesofawascoveredalloverwitha，sortoflineninsquaresofredandpaleblue，old，muchwashed，butpretty。Therewasastuffedowlinacaseoveracornercupboard。 Thesunlightcamethroughtheleavesofthescentedgeraniums，inthewindow。Shewascookingachickeninhishonour。 Itwastheircottagefortheday，andtheyweremanandwife。 Hebeattheeggsforherandpeeledthepotatoes。Hethoughtshe，gaveafeelingofhomealmostlikehismother;andnoonecould，lookmorebeautiful，withhertumbledcurls，whenshewasflushed，fromthefire。 Thedinnerwasagreatsuccess。Likeayounghusband，hecarved。 Theytalkedallthetimewithunflaggingzest。Thenhewiped，thedishesshehadwashed，andtheywentoutdownthefields。 Therewasabrightlittlebrookthatranintoabogatthefoot，ofaverysteepbank。Heretheywandered，pickingstillafew，marsh-marigoldsandmanybigblueforget-me-nots。Thenshesaton，thebankwithherhandsfullofflowers，mostlygoldenwater-blobs。 Assheputherfacedownintothemarigolds，itwasallovercast，withayellowshine。 “Yourfaceisbright，“hesaid，“likeatransfiguration。” Shelookedathim，questioning。Helaughedpleadinglytoher，layinghishandsonhers。Thenhekissedherfingers，thenherface。 Theworldwasallsteepedinsunshine，andquitestill，yetnotasleep，butquiveringwithakindofexpectancy。 “Ihaveneverseenanythingmorebeautifulthanthis，“hesaid。 Heheldherhandfastallthetime。 “Andthewatersingingtoitselfasitruns——doyouloveit？” Shelookedathimfulloflove。Hiseyeswereverydark，verybright。 “Don’tyouthinkit’sagreatday？”heasked。 Shemurmuredherassent。SheWAShappy，andhesawit。 “Andourday——justbetweenus，“hesaid。 Theylingeredalittlewhile。Thentheystoodupupon，thesweetthyme，andhelookeddownathersimply。 “Willyoucome？”heasked。 Theywentbacktothehouse，handinhand，insilence。 Thechickenscamescamperingdownthepathtoher。 Helockedthedoor，andtheyhadthelittlehousetothemselves。 Heneverforgotseeingherasshelayonthebed，whenhewas，unfasteninghiscollar。Firsthesawonlyherbeauty，andwasblind，withit。Shehadthemostbeautifulbodyhehadeverimagined。 Hestoodunabletomoveorspeak，lookingather，hisfacehalf-smiling，withwonder。Andthenhewantedher，butashewentforwardtoher，herhandsliftedinalittlepleadingmovement，andhelooked，atherface，andstopped。Herbigbrowneyeswerewatchinghim，stillandresignedandloving;shelayasifshehadgivenherselfup，tosacrifice：，therewasherbodyforhim;butthelookattheback，ofhereyes，likeacreatureawaitingimmolation，arrestedhim，andallhisbloodfellback。 “Youaresureyouwantme？”heasked，asifacoldshadow，hadcomeoverhim。 “Yes，quitesure。” Shewasveryquiet，verycalm。Sheonlyrealisedthatshe，wasdoingsomethingforhim。Hecouldhardlybearit。Shelay，tobesacrificedforhimbecauseshelovedhimsomuch。Andhehad，tosacrificeher。Forasecond，hewishedheweresexlessordead。 Thenheshuthiseyesagaintoher，andhisbloodbeatbackagain。 Andafterwardshelovedher——lovedhertothelastfibre，ofhisbeing。Helovedher。Buthewanted，somehow，tocry。 Therewassomethinghecouldnotbearforhersake。Hestayed，withhertillquitelateatnight。Asherodehomehefeltthat，hewasfinallyinitiated。Hewasayouthnolonger。Butwhy，hadhethedullpaininhissoul？，Whydidthethoughtofdeath，theafter-life，seemsosweetandconsoling？ HespenttheweekwithMiriam，andworeheroutwithhispassion，beforeitwasgone。Hehadalways，almostwilfully，toputherout，ofcount，andactfromthebrutestrengthofhisownfeelings。 Andhecouldnotdoitoften，andthereremainedafterwardsalways，thesenseoffailureandofdeath。Ifhewerereallywithher，hehadtoputasidehimselfandhisdesire。Ifhewouldhaveher，hehadtoputheraside。 “WhenIcometoyou，“heaskedher，hiseyesdarkwithpain，andshame，“youdon’treallywantme，doyou？” “Ah，yes！”sherepliedquickly。 Helookedather。 “Nay，“hesaid。 Shebegantotremble。 “Yousee，“shesaid，takinghisfaceandshuttingitout，againsthershoulder——“yousee——asweare——howcanIgetusedtoyou？ Itwouldcomeallrightifweweremarried。” Heliftedherhead，andlookedather。 “Youmean，now，itisalwaystoomuchshock？” “Yes——and——“ “Youarealwaysclenchedagainstme。” Shewastremblingwithagitation。 “Yousee，“shesaid，“I’mnotusedtothethought——“ “Youarelately，“hesaid。 “Butallmylife。Mothersaidtome：，’Thereisonething，inmarriagethatisalwaysdreadful，butyouhavetobearit。’ AndIbelievedit。” “Andstillbelieveit，“hesaid。 “No！”shecriedhastily。”Ibelieve，asyoudo，thatloving，eveninTHATway，isthehigh-watermarkofliving。” “Thatdoesn’talterthefactthatyouneverwantit。” “No，“shesaid，takinghisheadinherarmsandrockingindespair。 “Don’tsayso！，Youdon’tunderstand。”，Sherockedwithpain。 “Don’tIwantyourchildren？” “Butnotme。” “Howcanyousayso？，Butwemustbemarriedtohavechildren——“ “Shallwebemarried，then？，Iwantyoutohavemychildren。” Hekissedherhandreverently。Sheponderedsadly，watchinghim。 “Wearetooyoung，“shesaidatlength。 “Twenty-fourandtwenty-three——“ “Notyet，“shepleaded，assherockedherselfindistress。 “Whenyouwill，“hesaid。 Shebowedherheadgravely。Thetoneofhopelessnessin，whichhesaidthesethingsgrievedherdeeply。Ithadalwaysbeen，afailurebetweenthem。Tacitly，sheacquiescedinwhathefelt。 Andafteraweekoflovehesaidtohismothersuddenlyone，Sundaynight，justastheyweregoingtobed： “Ishan’tgosomuchtoMiriam’s，mother。” Shewassurprised，butshewouldnotaskhimanything。 “Youpleaseyourself，“shesaid。 Sohewenttobed。Buttherewasanewquietnessabout，himwhichshehadwonderedat。Shealmostguessed。Shewould，leavehimalone，however。Precipitationmightspoilthings。 Shewatchedhiminhisloneliness，wonderingwherehewouldend。 Hewassick，andmuchtooquietforhim。Therewasaperpetuallittle，knittingofhisbrows，suchasshehadseenwhenhewasasmallbaby，andwhichhadbeengoneformanyyears。Nowitwasthesameagain。 Andshecoulddonothingforhim。Hehadtogoonalone，makehis，ownway。 HecontinuedfaithfultoMiriam。Foronedayhehadlovedher，utterly。Butitnevercameagain。Thesenseoffailuregrewstronger。 Atfirstitwasonlyasadness。Thenhebegantofeelhecouldnot，goon。Hewantedtorun，togoabroad，anything。Graduallyheceased，toaskhertohavehim。Insteadofdrawingthemtogether，itput，themapart。Andthenherealised，consciously，thatitwasnogood。 Itwasuselesstrying：，itwouldneverbeasuccessbetweenthem。 ForsomemonthshehadseenverylittleofClara。Theyhad，occasionallywalkedoutforhalfanhouratdinner-time。Buthealways，reservedhimselfforMiriam。WithClara，however，hisbrowcleared，andhewasgayagain。Shetreatedhimindulgently，asifhewere，achild。Hethoughthedidnotmind。Butdeepbelowthesurface，itpiquedhim。 SometimesMiriamsaid： “WhataboutClara？，Ihearnothingofherlately。” “Iwalkedwithherabouttwentyminutesyesterday，“hereplied。 “Andwhatdidshetalkabout？” “Idon’tknow。IsupposeIdidallthejawing——Iusuallydo。 IthinkIwastellingheraboutthestrike，andhowthewomen，tookit。” “Yes。” Sohegavetheaccountofhimself。 Butinsidiously，withouthisknowingit，thewarmthhefelt，forClaradrewhimawayfromMiriam，forwhomhefeltresponsible，andtowhomhefelthebelonged。Hethoughthewasbeingquite，faithfultoher。Itwasnoteasytoestimateexactlythestrength，andwarmthofone’sfeelingsforawomantilltheyhaverunaway，withone。 Hebegantogivemoretimetohismenfriends。TherewasJessop，attheartschool;Swain，whowaschemistrydemonstrator，attheuniversity;Newton，whowasateacher;besidesEdgarand，Miriam’syoungerbrothers。Pleadingwork，hesketchedandstudied，withJessop。HecalledintheuniversityforSwain，andthetwowent，“downtown“together。HavingcomehomeinthetrainwithNewton，hecalledandhadagameofbilliardswithhimintheMoon，andStars。IfhegavetoMiriamtheexcuseofhismenfriends，hefeltquitejustified。Hismotherbegantoberelieved。 Healwaystoldherwherehehadbeen。 DuringthesummerClaraworesometimesadressofsoftcotton，stuffwithloosesleeves。Whensheliftedherhands，hersleeves，fellback，andherbeautifulstrongarmsshoneout。 “Halfaminute，“hecried。”Holdyourarmstill。” Hemadesketchesofherhandandarm，andthedrawings，containedsomeofthefascinationtherealthinghadforhim。 Miriam，whoalwayswentscrupulouslythroughhisbooksandpapers，sawthedrawings。 “IthinkClarahassuchbeautifularms，“hesaid。 “Yes！，Whendidyoudrawthem？” “OnTuesday，inthework-room。Youknow，I’vegotacorner，whereIcanwork。OftenIcandoeverysinglethingtheyneed，inthedepartment，beforedinner。ThenIworkformyself，intheafternoon，andjustseetothingsatnight。” “Yes，“shesaid，turningtheleavesofhissketch-book。 FrequentlyhehatedMiriam。Hehatedherasshebentforward，andporedoverhisthings。Hehatedherwayofpatientlycasting，himup，asifhewereanendlesspsychologicalaccount。Whenhe，waswithher，hehatedherforhavinggothim，andyetnotgothim，andhetorturedher。Shetookallandgavenothing，hesaid。Atleast，shegavenolivingwarmth。Shewasneveralive，andgivingofflife。 Lookingforherwaslikelookingforsomethingwhichdidnotexist。 Shewasonlyhisconscience，nothismate。Hehatedherviolently，andwasmorecrueltoher。Theydraggedontillthenextsummer。 HesawmoreandmoreofClara。 Atlasthespoke。Hehadbeensittingworkingathome，oneevening。Therewasbetweenhimandhismotherapeculiarcondition，ofpeoplefranklyfindingfaultwitheachother。Mrs。Morelwas，strongonherfeetagain。HewasnotgoingtosticktoMiriam。 Verywell;thenshewouldstandalooftillhesaidsomething。 Ithadbeencomingalongtime，thisburstingofthestorminhim，whenhewouldcomebacktoher。Thiseveningtherewasbetweenthem，apeculiarconditionofsuspense。Heworkedfeverishlyandmechanically，sothathecouldescapefromhimself。Itgrewlate。Throughthe，opendoor，stealthily，camethescentofmadonnalilies，almostas，ifitwereprowlingabroad。Suddenlyhegotupandwentoutofdoors。 Thebeautyofthenightmadehimwanttoshout。Ahalf-moon，duskygold，wassinkingbehindtheblacksycamoreattheendof，thegarden，makingtheskydullpurplewithitsglow。Nearer，adim，whitefenceoflilieswentacrossthegarden，andtheairallround，seemedtostirwithscent，asifitwerealive。Hewentacross，thebedofpinks，whosekeenperfumecamesharplyacrosstherocking，heavyscentofthelilies，andstoodalongsidethewhitebarrier，offlowers。Theyflaggedallloose，asiftheywerepanting。 Thescentmadehimdrunk。Hewentdowntothefieldtowatch，themoonsinkunder。 Acorncrakeinthehay-closecalledinsistently。Themoon，slidquitequicklydownwards，growingmoreflushed。Behindhim，thegreatflowersleanedasiftheywerecalling。Andthen，likeashock，hecaughtanotherperfume，somethingrawandcoarse。 Huntinground，hefoundthepurpleiris，touchedtheirfleshythroats，andtheirdark，graspinghands。Atanyrate，hehadfoundsomething。 Theystoodstiffinthedarkness。Theirscentwasbrutal。 Themoonwasmeltingdownuponthecrestofthehill。Itwasgone; allwasdark。Thecorncrakecalledstill。 Breakingoffapink，hesuddenlywentindoors。 “Come，myboy，“saidhismother。”I’msureit’stimeyouwent，tobed。” Hestoodwiththepinkagainsthislips。 “IshallbreakoffwithMiriam，mother，“heansweredcalmly。 Shelookedupathimoverherspectacles。Hewasstaringback，ather，unswerving。Shemethiseyesforamoment，thentookoff，herglasses。Hewaswhite。Themalewasupinhim，dominant。 Shedidnotwanttoseehimtooclearly。 “ButIthought——“shebegan。 “Well，“heanswered，“Idon’tloveher。Idon’twanttomarry，her——soIshallhavedone。” “But，“exclaimedhismother，amazed，“Ithoughtlatelyyou，hadmadeupyourmindtohaveher，andsoIsaidnothing。” “Ihad——Iwantedto——butnowIdon’twant。It’snogood。 IshallbreakoffonSunday。Ioughtto，oughtn’tI？” “Youknowbest。YouknowIsaidsolongago。” “Ican’thelpthatnow。IshallbreakoffonSunday。” “Well，“saidhismother，“Ithinkitwillbebest。Butlately，Idecidedyouhadmadeupyourmindtohaveher，soIsaidnothing，andshouldhavesaidnothing。ButIsayasIhavealwayssaid，IDON’Tthinksheissuitedtoyou。” “OnSundayIbreakoff，“hesaid，smellingthepink。 Heputtheflowerinhismouth。Unthinking，hebaredhisteeth，closedthemontheblossomslowly，andhadamouthfulofpetals。 Thesehespatintothefire，kissedhismother，andwenttobed。 OnSundayhewentuptothefarmintheearlyafternoon。 HehadwrittenMiriamthattheywouldwalkoverthefieldstoHucknall。 Hismotherwasverytenderwithhim。Hesaidnothing。Butshe，sawtheeffortitwascosting。Thepeculiarsetlookonhisface，stilledher。 “Nevermind，myson，“shesaid。”Youwillbesomuchbetter，whenitisallover。” Paulglancedswiftlyathismotherinsurpriseandresentment。 Hedidnotwantsympathy。 Miriammethimatthelane-end。Shewaswearinganewdress，offiguredmuslinthathadshortsleeves。Thoseshortsleeves，andMiriam’sbrown-skinnedarmsbeneaththem——suchpitiful，resigned，arms——gavehimsomuchpainthattheyhelpedtomakehimcruel。 Shehadmadeherselflooksobeautifulandfreshforhim。Sheseemed，toblossomforhimalone。Everytimehelookedather——amatureyoung，womannow，andbeautifulinhernewdress——ithurtsomuchthathis，heartseemedalmosttobeburstingwiththerestraintheputonit。 Buthehaddecided，anditwasirrevocable。 Onthehillstheysatdown，andhelaywithhisheadinherlap，whilstshefingeredhishair。Sheknewthat“hewasnotthere，“ assheputit。Often，whenshehadhimwithher，shelookedforhim，andcouldnotfindhim。Butthisafternoonshewasnotprepared。 Itwasnearlyfiveo’clockwhenhetoldher。Theyweresitting，onthebankofastream，wherethelipofturfhungoverahollow，bankofyellowearth，andhewashackingawaywithastick，ashe，didwhenhewasperturbedandcruel。 “Ihavebeenthinking，“hesaid，“weoughttobreakoff。” “Why？”shecriedinsurprise。 “Becauseit’snogoodgoingon。” “Whyisitnogood？” “Itisn’t。Idon’twanttomarry。Idon’twantevertomarry。 Andifwe’renotgoingtomarry，it’snogoodgoingon。” “Butwhydoyousaythisnow？” “BecauseI’vemadeupmymind。” “Andwhatabouttheselastmonths，andthethingsyoutold，methen？” “Ican’thelpit！，Idon’twanttogoon。” “Youdon’twantanymoreofme？” “Iwantustobreakoff——youbefreeofme，Ifreeofyou。” “Andwhatabouttheselastmonths？” “Idon’tknow。I’venottoldyouanythingbutwhatIthought，wastrue。” “Thenwhyareyoudifferentnow？” “I’mnot——I’mthesame——onlyIknowit’snogoodgoingon。” “Youhaven’ttoldmewhyit’snogood。” “BecauseIdon’twanttogoon——andIdon’twanttomarry。” “Howmanytimeshaveyouofferedtomarryme，andIwouldn’t？” “Iknow;butIwantustobreakoff。” Therewassilenceforamomentortwo，whilehedugviciouslyat，theearth。Shebentherhead，pondering。Hewasanunreasonablechild。 Hewaslikeaninfantwhich，whenithasdrunkitsfill，throwsaway，andsmashesthecup。Shelookedathim，feelingshecouldgethold，ofhimandWRINGsomeconsistencyoutofhim。Butshewashelpless。 Thenshecried： “Ihavesaidyouwereonlyfourteen——youareonlyFOUR！” Hestilldugattheearthviciously。Heheard。 “Youareachildoffour，“sherepeatedinheranger。 Hedidnotanswer，butsaidinhisheart：，“Allright; ifI’machildoffour，whatdoyouwantmefor？，Idon’twant，anothermother。”，Buthesaidnothingtoher，andtherewassilence。 “Andhaveyoutoldyourpeople？”sheasked。 “Ihavetoldmymother。” Therewasanotherlongintervalofsilence。 “ThenwhatdoyouWANT？”sheasked。 “Why，Iwantustoseparate。Wehavelivedoneachotherall，theseyears;nowletusstop。Iwillgomyownwaywithoutyou，andyouwillgoyourwaywithoutme。Youwillhaveanindependent，lifeofyourownthen。” Therewasinitsometruththat，inspiteofherbitterness，shecouldnothelpregistering。Sheknewshefeltinasortof，bondagetohim，whichshehatedbecauseshecouldnotcontrolit。 Shehatedherloveforhimfromthemomentitgrewtoostrong，forher。And，deepdown，shehadhatedhimbecausesheloved，himandhedominatedher。Shehadresistedhisdomination。 Shehadfoughttokeepherselffreeofhiminthelastissue。 Andshewasfreeofhim，evenmorethanheofher。 “And，“hecontinued，“weshallalwaysbemoreorless，eachother’swork。Youhavedonealotforme，Iforyou。 Nowletusstartandlivebyourselves。” “Whatdoyouwanttodo？”sheasked。 “Nothing——onlytobefree，“heanswered。 She，however，knewinherheartthatClara’sinfluencewas，overhimtoliberatehim。Butshesaidnothing。 “AndwhathaveItotellmymother？”sheasked。 “Itoldmymother，“heanswered，“thatIwasbreakingoff——clean，andaltogether。” “Ishallnottellthemathome，“shesaid。 Frowning，“Youpleaseyourself，“hesaid。 Heknewhehadlandedherinanastyhole，andwasleaving，herinthelurch。Itangeredhim。 “Tellthemyouwouldn’tandwon’tmarryme，andhavebrokenoff，“ hesaid。”It’strueenough。” Shebitherfingermoodily。Shethoughtovertheirwholeaffair。 Shehadknownitwouldcometothis;shehadseenitallalong。 Itchimedwithherbitterexpectation。 “Always——ithasalwaysbeenso！”shecried。”Ithasbeen，onelongbattlebetweenus——youfightingawayfromme。” Itcamefromherunawares，likeaflashoflightning。 Theman’sheartstoodstill。Wasthishowshesawit？ “Butwe’vehadSOMEperfecthours，SOMEperfecttimes，whenweweretogether！”hepleaded。 “Never！”shecried;“never！，Ithasalwaysbeenyoufighting，meoff。” “Notalways——notatfirst！”hepleaded。 “Always，fromtheverybeginning——alwaysthesame！” Shehadfinished，butshehaddoneenough。Hesataghast。 Hehadwantedtosay：，“Ithasbeengood，butitisatanend。” Andshe——shewhoselovehehadbelievedinwhenhehaddespised，himself——deniedthattheirlovehadeverbeenlove。”Hehad，alwaysfoughtawayfromher？”Thenithadbeenmonstrous。 Therehadneverbeenanythingreallybetweenthem;allthetime，hehadbeenimaginingsomethingwheretherewasnothing。Andshe，hadknown。Shehadknownsomuch，andhadtoldhimsolittle。 Shehadknownallthetime。Allthetimethiswasatthebottom，ofher！ Hesatsilentinbitterness。Atlastthewholeaffairappeared，inacynicalaspecttohim。Shehadreallyplayedwithhim，nothewithher。Shehadhiddenallhercondemnationfromhim，hadflatteredhim，anddespisedhim。Shedespisedhimnow。 Hegrewintellectualandcruel。 “Yououghttomarryamanwhoworshipsyou，“hesaid;“thenyou，coulddoasyoulikedwithhim。Plentyofmenwillworshipyou，ifyougetontheprivatesideoftheirnatures。Yououghttomarry，onesuch。Theywouldneverfightyouoff。” “Thankyou！”shesaid。”Butdon’tadvisemetomarrysomeone，elseanymore。You’vedoneitbefore。” “Verywell，“hesaid;“Iwillsaynomore。” Hesatstill，feelingasifhehadhadablow，insteadof，givingone。Theireightyearsoffriendshipandlove，THEeight，yearsofhislife，werenullified。 “Whendidyouthinkofthis？”sheasked。 “IthoughtdefinitelyonThursdaynight。” “Iknewitwascoming，“shesaid。 Thatpleasedhimbitterly。”Oh，verywell！，Ifsheknewthen，itdoesn’tcomeasasurprisetoher，“hethought。 “AndhaveyousaidanythingtoClara？”sheasked。 “No;butIshalltellhernow。” Therewasasilence。 “Doyourememberthethingsyousaidthistimelastyear，inmygrandmother’shouse——naylastmontheven？” “Yes，“hesaid;“Ido！，AndImeantthem！，Ican’thelp，thatit’sfailed。” “Ithasfailedbecauseyouwantsomethingelse。” “Itwouldhavefailedwhetherornot。YOUneverbelieved，inme。” Shelaughedstrangely。 Hesatinsilence。Hewasfullofafeelingthatshehad，deceivedhim。Shehaddespisedhimwhenhethoughtsheworshippedhim。 Shehadlethimsaywrongthings，andhadnotcontradictedhim。 Shehadlethimfightalone。Butitstuckinhisthroatthatshehad，despisedhimwhilsthethoughtsheworshippedhim。Sheshouldhave，toldhimwhenshefoundfaultwithhim。Shehadnotplayedfair。 Hehatedher。Alltheseyearsshehadtreatedhimasifhewere，ahero，andthoughtofhimsecretlyasaninfant，afoolishchild。 Thenwhyhadsheleftthefoolishchildtohisfolly？，Hisheartwas，hardagainsther。 Shesatfullofbitterness。Shehadknown——oh，wellshe，hadknown！，Allthetimehewasawayfromhershehadsummed，himup，seenhislittleness，hismeanness，andhisfolly。 Evenshehadguardedhersoulagainsthim。Shewasnotoverthrown，notprostrated，notevenmuchhurt。Shehadknown。Onlywhy，ashesatthere，hadhestillthisstrangedominanceoverher？ Hisverymovementsfascinatedherasifshewerehypnotisedbyhim。 Yethewasdespicable，false，inconsistent，andmean。Whythisbondage，forher？，Whywasitthemovementofhisarmstirredherasnothing，elseintheworldcould？，Whywasshefastenedtohim？，Why，evennow，ifhelookedatherandcommandedher，wouldshehavetoobey？ Shewouldobeyhiminhistriflingcommands。Butoncehewasobeyed，thenshehadhiminherpower，sheknew，toleadhimwhereshewould。 Shewassureofherself。Only，thisnewinfluence！，Ah，hewas，notaman！，Hewasababythatcriesforthenewesttoy。