HYPATIA。Idontblameyouforfallinginlovewithme。Ishallbegratefultoyouallmylifeforit，becausethatwasthefirsttimethatanythingreallyinterestinghappenedtome。
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Doyoumeantotellmethatnothingofthatkindhadeverhappenedbefore？thatnomanhadever——
HYPATIA。Oh，lots。Thatspartoftheroutineoflifehere：theverydullestpartofit。Theyoungmanwhocomesa—courtingisasfamiliaranincidentinmylifeascoffeeforbreakfast。Ofcourse，hestoomuchofagentlemantomisbehavehimself；andI’mtoomuchofaladytolethim；andhesshyandsheepish；andI’mcorrectandself—possessed；andatlast，whenIcanbearitnolonger，Ieitherfrightenhimoff，orgivehimachanceofproposing，justtoseehowhe’lldoit，andrefusehimbecausehedoesitinthesamesillywayasalltherest。Youdontcallthataneventinone’slife，doyou？
Withyouitwasdifferent。IshouldassoonhaveexpectedtheNorthPoletofallinlovewithmeasyou。YouknowI’monlyalinen—draper’sdaughterwhenall’ssaid。Iwasafraidofyou：you，agreatman!alord!andolderthanmyfather。Andthenwhatasituationitwas!Justthinkofit!Iwasengagedtoyourson；andyouknewnothingaboutit。Hewasafraidtotellyou：hebroughtyoudownherebecausehethoughtifhecouldthrowustogetherIcouldgetroundyoubecauseIwassucharippinggirl。Wearrangeditall：heandI。WegotPapaandMammaandJohnnyoutofthewaysplendidly；
andthenBentleytookhimselfoff，andleftus——youandme!——totakeawalkthroughtheheatherandadmirethesceneryofHindhead。Youneverdreamtthatitwasallaplan：thatwhatmademesonicewasthewayIwasplayinguptomydestinyasthesweetgirlthatwastomakeyourboyhappy。Andthen!andthen!_[Sherisestodanceandclapherhandsinherglee]。_
LORDSUMMERHAYS。_[shuddering]_Stop，stop。Cannowomanunderstandaman’sdelicacy？
HYPATIA。_[revellingintherecollection]_Andthen——ha，ha!——youproposed。You!Afather!Foryourson’sgirl!
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Stop，Itellyou。Dontprofanewhatyoudontunderstand。
HYPATIA。Thatwassomethinghappeningatlastwithavengeance。Itwassplendid。Itwasmyfirstpeepbehindthescenes。IfI’dbeenseventeenIshouldhavefalleninlovewithyou。Evenasitis，I
feelquitedifferentlytowardsyoufromwhatIdotowardsotheroldmen。So_[offeringherhand]_youmaykissmyhandifthatwillbeanyfunforyou。
LORDSUMMERHAYS。_[risingandrecoilingtothetable，deeplyrevolted]_No，no，no。Howdareyou？_[Shelaughsmischievously]。_
Howcallousyouthis!Howcoarse!Howcynical!Howruthlesslycruel!
HYPATIA。Stuff!It’sonlythatyouretiredofagreatmanythingsIvenevertried。
LORDSUMMERHAYS。It’snotalonethat。Ivenotforgottenthebrutalityofmyownboyhood。Butdotrytolearn，gloriousyoungbeastthatyouare，thatageissqueamish，sentimental，fastidious。
Ifyoucantunderstandmyholierfeelings，atleastyouknowthebodilyinfirmitiesoftheold。YouknowthatIdarenteatalltherichthingsyougobbleupateverymeal；thatIcantbearthenoiseandracketandclatterthataffectyounomorethantheyaffectastone。Well，mysoulislikethattoo。Spareit：begentlewithit_[heinvoluntarilyputsouthishandstoplead：shetakesthemwithalaugh]。_Ifyoucouldpossiblythinkofmeashalfanangelandhalfaninvalid，weshouldgetonmuchbettertogether。
HYPATIA。Wegetonverywell，Ithink。Nobodyelseevercalledmeagloriousyoungbeast。Ilikethat。GloriousyoungbeastexpressesexactlywhatIliketobe。
LORDSUMMERHAYS。_[extricatinghishandsandsittingdown]_Whereonearthdidyougetthesemorbidtastes？Youseemtohavebeenwellbroughtupinanormal，healthy，respectable，middle—classfamily。
YetyougoonlikethemostunwholesomeproductoftherankestBohemianism。
HYPATIA。Thatsjustit。I’mfedupwith——
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Horribleexpression。Dont。
HYPATIA。Oh，Idaresayit’svulgar；buttheresnootherwordforit。
I’mfedupwithnicethings：withrespectability，withpropriety!
Whenawomanhasnothingtodo，moneyandrespectabilitymeanthatnothingiseverallowedtohappentoher。Idontwanttobegood；andIdontwanttobebad：Ijustdontwanttobebotheredabouteithergoodorbad：Iwanttobeanactiveverb。
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Anactiveverb？Oh，Isee。Anactiveverbsignifiestobe，todo，ortosuffer。
HYPATIA。Justso：howcleverofyou!Iwanttobe；Iwanttodo；
andI’mgametosufferifitcoststhat。ButstickheredoingnothingbutbeinggoodandniceandladylikeIsimplywont。Staydownherewithusforaweek；andI’llshewyouwhatitmeans：shewittoyougoingondayafterday，yearafteryear，lifetimeafterlifetime。
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Shewmewhat？
HYPATIA。Girlswitheringintoladies。Ladieswitheringintooldmaids。Nursingoldwomen。Runningerrandsforoldmen。Goodfornothingelseatlast。Oh，youcantimaginethefiendishselfishnessoftheoldpeopleandthemaudlinsacrificeoftheyoung。It’smoreunbearablethananypoverty：morehorriblethananyregular—right—downwickedness。Oh，home!home!parents!family!duty!
howIloathethem!HowI’dliketoseethemallblowntobits!Thepoorescape。Thewickedescape。Well，Icantbepoor：we’rerollinginmoney：it’snousepretendingwe’renot。ButIcanbewicked；andI’mquitepreparedtobe。
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Youthinkthateasy？
HYPATIA。Well，isntit？Beingaman，yououghttoknow。
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Itrequiressomenaturaltalent，whichcannodoubtbecultivated。It’snotreallyeasytobeanythingoutofthecommon。
HYPATIA。Anyhow，Imeantomakeafightforliving。
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Livingyourownlife，IbelievetheSuffragistphraseis。
HYPATIA。Livinganylife。Living，insteadofwitheringwithoutevenagardenertosnipyouoffwhenyourerotten。
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Ivelivedanactivelife；butIvewitheredallthesame。
HYPATIA。No：youvewornout：thatsquitedifferent。Andyouvesomelifeinyouyetoryouwouldnthavefalleninlovewithme。YoucanneverimaginehowdelightedIwastofindthatinsteadofbeingthecorrectsortofbigpanjandrumyouweresupposedtobe，youwerereallyanoldriplikepapa。
LORDSUMMERHAYS。No，no：notaboutyourfather：Ireallycantbearit。Andifyoumustsaytheseterriblethings：theseheart—woundingshamefulthings，atleastfindsomethingprettiertocallmethananoldrip。
HYPATIA。Well，whatwouldyoucallamanproposingtoagirlwhomightbe——
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Hisdaughter：yes，Iknow。
HYPATIA。Iwasgoingtosayhisgranddaughter。
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Youalwayshaveonemoreblowtogetin。
HYPATIA。Youretoosensitive。Didyouevermakemudpieswhenyouwereakid——begpardon：achild。
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Ihopenot。
HYPATIA。It’sadirtyjob；butJohnnyandIwerevulgarenoughtolikeit。Ilikeyoungpeoplebecausetheyrenottooafraidofdirttolive。Ivegrownoutofthemudpies；butIlikeslang；andIlikebustlingyouupbysayingthingsthatshockyou；andI’dratherputupwithswearingandsmokingthanwithdullrespectability；andtherearelotsofthingsthatwouldjustshrivelyouupthatIthinkratherjolly。Now!
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Ivenottheslightestdoubtofit。Dontinsist。
HYPATIA。It’snotyourideal，isit？
LORDSUMMERHAYS。No。
HYPATIA。ShallItellyouwhy？Youridealisanoldwoman。I
daresayshesgotayoungface；butshesanoldwoman。Old，old，old。
Squeamish。Cantstanduptothings。Cantenjoythings：notrealthings。Alwaysontheshrink。
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Ontheshrink!Detestableexpression。
HYPATIA。Bah!youcantstandevenalittlethinglikethat。Whatgoodareyou？Oh，whatgoodareyou？
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Dontaskme。Idontknow。Idontknow。
_Tarletonreturnsfromthevestibule。Hypatiasitsdowndemurely。_
HYPATIA。Well，papa：haveyoumeditatedonyourdestiny？
TARLETON。_[puzzled]_What？Oh!mydestiny。Gad，Iforgotallaboutit：Jockstartedarabbitandputitcleanoutofmyhead。
Besides，whyshouldIgivewaytomorbidintrospection？It’sasignofmadness。ReadLombroso。_[ToLordSummerhays]_Well，Summerhays，hasmylittlegirlbeenentertainingyou？
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Yes。Sheisawonderfulentertainer。
TARLETON。Ithinkmyideaofbringingupayounggirlhasbeenratherasuccess。Dontyoulistentothis，Patsy：itmightmakeyouconceited。Shesneverbeentreatedlikeachild。Ialwayssaidthesamethingtohermother。Letherreadwhatshelikes。Letherdowhatshelikes。Lethergowhereshelikes。Eh，Patsy？
HYPATIA。Ohyes，iftherehadonlybeenanythingformetodo，anyplaceformetogo，anythingIwantedtoread。
TARLETON。There，yousee!Shesnotsatisfied。Restless。Wantsthingstohappen。Wantsadventurestodropoutofthesky。
HYPATIA。_[gatheringupherwork]_Ifyouregoingtotalkaboutmeandmyeducation，I’moff。
TARLETON。Well，well，offwithyou。_[ToLordSummerhays]_Shesactive，likeme。Sheactuallywantedmetoputherintotheshop。
HYPATIA。Well，theytellmethatthegirlstherehaveadventuressometimes。_[Shegoesoutthroughtheinnerdoor]_
TARLETON。Shehadmethere，thoughshedoesntknowit，poorinnocentlamb!Publicscandalexaggeratesenormously，ofcourse；butmoralizeasyouwill，superabundantvitalityisaphysicalfactthatcantbetalkedaway。_[Hesitsdownbetweenthewritingtableandthesideboard]。_Difficultquestionthis，ofbringingupchildren。
Betweenourselves，ithasbeatenme。IneverwassosurprisedinmylifeaswhenIcametoknowJohnnyasamanofbusinessandfoundoutwhathewasreallylike。Howdidyoumanagewithyoursons？
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Well，Ireallyhadnttimetobeafather：thatstheplaintruthofthematter。Theirpoordearmotherdidtheusualthingwhiletheywerewithus。Thenofcourse，Harrow，Cambridge，theusualroutineoftheirclass。Isawverylittleofthem，andthoughtverylittleaboutthem：howcouldI？withawholeprovinceonmyhands。
TheyandIare——acquaintances。Notperhaps，quiteordinaryacquaintances：theresasortof——er——Ishouldalmostcallitasortofremorseaboutthewayweshakehands（whenwedoshakehands）whichmeans，Isuppose，thatwe’resorrywedontcaremoreforoneanother；
andI’mafraidwedontmeetoftenerthanwecanhelp。Weputeachothertoomuchoutofcountenance。It’sreallyaverydifficultrelation。Tomymindnotaltogetheranaturalone。
TARLETON。_[impressed，asusual]_Thatsanidea，certainly。Idontthinkanybodyhaseverwrittenaboutthat。
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Bentleyistheonlyonewhowasreallymysoninanyserioussense。Hewascompletelyspoilt。Whenhewassenttoapreparatoryschoolhesimplyyelleduntilhewassenthome。Harrowwasoutofthequestion；butwemanagedtotutorhimintoCambridge。
Nouse：hewassentdown。Bythattimemyworkwasover；andIsawagooddealofhim。ButIcoulddonothingwithhim——exceptlookon。I
shouldhavethoughtyourcasewasquitedifferent。Youkeepupthemiddle—classtradition：thedayschoolandthebusinesstraininginsteadoftheuniversity。Ibelieveinthedayschoolpartofit。
Atallevents，youknowyourownchildren。
TARLETON。Doyou？I’mnotsosureofit。Factis，mydearSummerhays，oncechildhoodisover，oncethelittleanimalhasgotpastthestageatwhichitacquireswhatyoumightcallasenseofdecency，it’sallupwiththerelationbetweenparentandchild。Youcantgetoverthefearfulshynessofit。
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Shyness？
TARLETON。Yes，shyness。ReadDickens。
LORDSUMMERHAYS_[surprised]_Dickens!!Ofallauthors，CharlesDickens!Areyouserious？
TARLETON。Idontmeanhisbooks。Readhisletterstohisfamily。
Readanyman’sletterstohischildren。Theyrenothuman。Theyrenotabouthimselforthemselves。Theyreabouthotels，scenery，abouttheweather，aboutgettingwetandlosingthetrainandwhathesawontheroadandallthat。Notawordabouthimself。Forced。Shy。Dutyletters。Allfittobepublished：thatsayseverything。Itellyoutheresawalltenfeetthickandtenmileshighbetweenparentandchild。IknowwhatI’mtalkingabout。Ivegirlsinmyemployment：
girlsandyoungmen。Ihadideasonthesubject。Iusedtogototheparentsandtellthemnottolettheirchildrengooutintotheworldwithoutinstructioninthedangersandtemptationstheyweregoingtobethrowninto。Whatdideveryoneofthemotherssaytome？\"Oh，sir，howcouldIspeakofsuchthingstomyowndaughter？\"ThemensaidIwasquiteright；buttheydidntdoit，anymorethanI’dbeenabletodoitmyselftoJohnny。Ihadtoleavebooksinhisway；andIfeltjustawfulwhenIdidit。Believeme，Summerhays，therelationbetweentheyoungandtheoldshouldbeaninnocentrelation。Itshouldbesomethingtheycouldtalkabout。Well，therelationbetweenparentandchildmaybeanaffectionaterelation。Itmaybeausefulrelation。Itmaybeanecessaryrelation。Butitcanneverbeaninnocentrelation。Youddieratherthanalludetoit。Dependonit，inathousandyearsitllbeconsideredbadformtoknowwhoyourfatherandmotherare。Embarrassing。BetterhandBentleyovertome。
Icanlookhiminthefaceandtalktohimasmantoman。YoucanhaveJohnny。
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Thankyou。Ivelivedsolonginacountrywhereamanmayhavefiftysons，whoarenomoretohimthanaregimentofsoldiers，thatI’mafraidIvelosttheEnglishfeelingaboutit。
TARLETON。_[restlessagain]_YoumeanJinghiskahn。Ahyes。Goodthingtheempire。Educatesus。Opensourminds。KnockstheBibleoutofus。Andcivilizestheotherchaps。
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Yes：itcivilizesthem。Andituncivilizesus。
Theirgain。Ourloss，Tarleton，believeme，ourloss。
TARLETON。Well，whynot？Averagesoutthehumanrace。MakestheniggerhalfanEnglishman。MakestheEnglishmanhalfanigger。
LORDSUMMERHAYS。SpeakingastheunfortunateEnglishmaninquestion，Idontliketheprocess。IfIhadmylifetoliveoveragain，I’dstayathomeandsupercivilizemyself。
TARLETON。Nonsense!dontbeselfish。Thinkhowyouveimprovedtheotherchaps。LookattheSpanishempire!BadjobforSpain，butsplendidforSouthAmerica。LookatwhattheRomansdidforBritain!
Theyburstupandhadtoclearout；butthinkofalltheytaughtus!
Theywerethemakingofus：IbelievetherewasaRomancamponHindhead：I’llshewittoyoutomorrow。ThatsthegoodsideofImperialism：it’sunselfish。IdespisetheLittleEnglanders：
theyrealwaysthinkingaboutEngland。Smallminded。I’mfortheParliamentofman，thefederationoftheworld。ReadTennyson。_[Hesettlesdownagain]。_Thentheresthegreatfoodquestion。
LORDSUMMERHAYS。_[apprehensively]_Needwegointothatthisafternoon？
TARLETON。No；butIwishyoudtelltheChickabiddythattheJinghiskahnseatnoendoftoastedcheese，andthatit’sthesecretoftheiramazinghealthandlonglife!
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Unfortunatelytheyareneitherhealthynorlonglived。Andtheydonteattoastedcheese。
TARLETON。Thereyouare!Theywouldbeiftheyateit。Anyhow，saywhatyoulike，providedthemoralisaWelshrabbitformysupper。
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Britishmoralityinanutshell!
TARLETON。_[hugelyamused]_Yes。Haha!Awfulhypocrites，aintwe？
_Theyareinterruptedbyexcitedcriesfromthegrounds。_
HYPATIA。|Papa!Mamma!Comeoutasfastasyoucan。
|Quick。Quick。
|
BENTLEY。|Hello，governor!Comeout。Anaeroplane。
|Look，look。
TARLETON。_[startingup]_Aeroplane!Didhesayanaeroplane？
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Aeroplane!_[Ashadowfallsonthepavilion；andsomeoftheglassatthetopisshatteredandfallsonthefloor]。_
_TarletonandLordSummerhaysrushoutthroughthepavilionintothegarden。_
HYPATIA。|Takecare。Takecareofthechimney。
|
BENTLEY。|Comethisside：it’scomingright|whereyourestanding。
|
TARLETON。|Hallo!wherethedevilareyou|coming？youllhavemyroofoff。
|
LORDSUMMERHAYS|He’slostcontrol。
MRSTARLETON。Look，look，Hypatia。Therearetwopeopleinit。
BENTLEY。Theyveclearedit。Wellsteered!
TARLETON。|Yes；buttheyrecomingslamintothegreenhouse。
|
LORDSUMMERHAYS|Lookoutfortheglass。
|
MRSTARLETON。|Theyllbreakalltheglass。Theyll|spoilallthegrapes。
|
BENTLEY。|Mindwhereyourecoming。He’ll|saveit。No：theyredown。
_Anappallingcrashofbreakingglassisheard。Everybodyshrieks。_
MRSTARLETON。|Oh，aretheykilled？John：aretheykilled？
|
LORDSUMMERHAYS|Areyouhurt？Isanythingbroken？Canyoustand？
|
HYPATIA。|Oh，youmustbehurt。Areyousure？ShallIget|yousomewater？Orsomewine？
|
TARLETON。|Areyouallright？Sureyouwonthavesome|brandyjusttotakeofftheshock。
THEAVIATOR。No，thankyou。Quiteright。Notascratch。IassureyouI’mallright。
BENTLEY。Whatluck!Andwhatasmash!Youarealuckychap，Icantellyou。
_TheAviatorandTarletoncomeinthroughthepavilion，followedbyLordSummerhaysandBentley，theAviatoronTarleton’sright。BentleypassestheAviatorandturnstohaveanadmiringlookathim。LordSummerhaysovertakesTarletonlesspointedlyontheoppositesidewiththesameobject。_
THEAVIATOR。I’mreallyverysorry。I’mafraidIveknockedyourvineryintoacockedhat。（_Effusively_）Youdontmind，doyou？
TARLETON。Notabit。Comeinandhavesometea。Staytodinner。
Stayovertheweek—end。AllmylifeIvewantedtofly。
THEAVIATOR。_[takingoffhisgoggles]_Yourereallymorethankind。
BENTLEY。Why，itsJoeyPercival。
PERCIVAL。Hallo，Ben!Thatyou？
TARLETON。What!Themanwiththreefathers!
PERCIVAL。Oh!hasBenbeentalkingaboutme？
TARLETON。Consideryourselfasoneofthefamily——ifyouwilldomethehonor。Andyourfriendtoo。Wheresyourfriend？
PERCIVAL。Oh，bytheway!beforehecomesin：letmeexplain。I
dontknowhim。
TARLETON。Eh？
PERCIVAL。Havntevenlookedathim。I’mtryingtomakeaclubrecordwithapassenger。Theclubsuppliedthepassenger。Hejustgotin；
andIvebeentoobusyhandlingtheaeroplanetolookathim。Ihavntsaidawordtohim；andIcantanswerforhimsocially；buthesanidealpassengerforaflyer。Hesavedmefromasmash。
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Isawit。Itwasextraordinary。Whenyouwerethrownoutheheldontothetopbarwithonehand。Youcamepasthimintheair，goingstraightfortheglass。Hecaughtyouandturnedyouoffintotheflowerbed，andthenlightedbesideyoulikeabird。
PERCIVAL。HowhekepthisheadIcantimagine。Frankly，_I_didnt。
_ThePassenger，alsobegoggled，comesinthroughthepavilionwithJohnnyandthetwoladies。ThePassengercomesbetweenPercivalandTarleton，MrsTarletonbetweenLordSummerhaysandherhusband，HypatiabetweenPercivalandBentley，andJohnnytoBentley’sright。_
TARLETON。Justdiscussingyourprowess，mydearsir。Magnificent。
Youllstaytodinner。Youllstaythenight。Stayovertheweek。TheChickabiddywillbedelighted。
MRSTARLETON。Wontyoutakeoffyourgogglesandhavesometea？
_ThePassengerbeginstoremovethegoggles。_
TARLETON。Do。Haveawash。Johnny：takethegentlemantoyourroom：I’lllookafterMrPercival。Theymust——
_Bythistimethepassengerhasgotthegogglesoff，andstandsrevealedasaremarkablygood—lookingwoman。_
MRSTARLETON。|WellInever!!!|
||
BENTLEY。|[_inawhisper_]Oh，Isay!|
||
JOHNNY。|ByGeorge!|
||_AllLORDSUMMERHAYS|Alady!|to—
||gether。_
HYPATIA。|Awoman!|
||
TARLETON。|[_toPercival_]Younevertoldme——|
||
PERCIVAL。|Ihadnttheleastidea——|
_Anembarrassedpause。_
PERCIVAL。IassureyouifI’dhadthefaintestnotionthatmypassengerwasaladyIshouldnthaveleftyoutoshiftforyourselfinthatselfishway。
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Theladyseemstohaveshiftedforbothveryeffectually，sir。
PERCIVAL。Savedmylife。Iadmititmostgratefully。
TARLETON。Imustapologize，madam，forhavingofferedyouthecivilitiesappropriatetotheoppositesex。Andyet，whyopposite？
Weareallhuman：malesandfemalesofthesamespecies。Whenthedressisthesamethedistinctionvanishes。I’mproudtoreceiveinmyhousealadyofevidentrefinementanddistinction。Allowmetointroducemyself：Tarleton：JohnTarleton（_seeingconjectureinthepassenger’seye_）——yes，yes：Tarleton’sUnderwear。Mywife，MrsTarleton：youllexcusemeforhavinginwhatIhadtakentobeaconfidencebetweenmanandmanalludedtoherastheChickabiddy。MydaughterHypatia，whohasalwayswantedsomeadventuretodropoutofthesky，andisnow，Ihope，satisfiedatlast。LordSummerhays：amanknownwherevertheBritishflagwaves。HissonBentley，engagedtoHypatia。MrJosephPercival，thepromisingsonofthreehighlyintellectualfathers。
HYPATIA。_[startled]_Bentley’sfriend？_[Bentleynods]。_
TARLETON。_[continuing，tothepassenger]_MayInowasktobeallowedthepleasureofknowingyourname？
THEPASSENGER。MynameisLinaSzczepanowska_[pronouncingitSh—Chepanovska]。_
PERCIVAL。Sh——Ibegyourpardon？
LINA。Szczepanowska。
PERCIVAL。_[dubiously]_Thankyou。
TARLETON。_[verypolitely]_Wouldyoumindsayingitagain？
LINA。Sayfish。
TARLETON。Fish。
LINA。Saychurch。
TARLETON。Church。
LINA。Sayfishchurch。
TARLETON。_[remonstrating]_Butit’snotgoodsense。
LINA。_[inexorable]_Sayfishchurch。
TARLETON。Fishchurch。
LINA。Again。
TARLETON。No，but——_[resigninghimself]_fishchurch。
LINA。NowsaySzczepanowska。
TARLETON。Szczepanowska。Gotit，byGad。_[Asibilantwhisperingbecomesaudible：theyareallsayingSh—chtothemselves]。_
Szczepanowska!NotanEnglishname，isit？
LINA。Polish。I’maPole。
TARLETON。Ahyes。Interestingnation。Luckypeopletogetthegovernmentoftheircountrytakenofftheirhands。Nothingtodobutcultivatethemselves。SameaswetookGibraltaroffthehandsoftheSpaniards。SavestheSpanishtaxpayer。JollygoodthingforusiftheGermanstookPortsmouth。Sitdown，wontyou？
_Thegroupbreaksup。JohnnyandBentleyhurrytothepavilionandfetchthetwowickerchairs。JohnnygiveshistoLina。HypatiaandPercivaltakethechairsattheworktable。LordSummerhaysgivesthechairatthevestibuleendofthewritingtabletoMrsTarleton；andBentleyreplacesitwithawickerchair，whichLordSummerhaystakes。
Johnnyremainsstandingbehindtheworktable，Bentleybehindhisfather。_
MRSTARLETON。_[toLina]_Havesometeanow，wontyou？
LINA。Ineverdrinktea。
TARLETON。_[sittingdownattheendofthewritingtablenearestLina]_Badthingtoaeroplaneon，Ishouldimagine。Toojumpy。Beenupmuch？
LINA。Notinanaeroplane。Iveparachuted；butthatschild’splay。
MRSTARLETON。Butarntyouveryfoolishtorunsuchadreadfulrisk？
LINA。Youcantlivewithoutrunningrisks。
MRSTARLETON。Oh，whatathingtosay!Didntyouknowyoumighthavebeenkilled？
LINA。ThatwaswhyIwentup。
HYPATIA。Ofcourse。Cantyouunderstandthefascinationofthething？thenovelty!thedaring!thesenseofsomethinghappening!
LINA。Ohno。It’stootameabusinessforthat。Iwentupforfamilyreasons。
TARLETON。Eh？What？Familyreasons？
MRSTARLETON。Ihopeitwasnttospiteyourmother？
PERCIVAL。_[quickly]_Oryourhusband？
LINA。I’mnotmarried。AndwhyshouldIwanttospitemymother？
HYPATIA。_[asidetoPercival]_Thatwascleverofyou，MrPercival。
PERCIVAL。What？
HYPATIA。Tofindout。
TARLETON。I’minadifficulty。Icantunderstandaladygoingupinanaeroplaneforfamilyreasons。It’srudetobecuriousandaskquestions；butthenit’sinhumantobeindifferent，asifyoudidntcare。
LINA。I’lltellyouwithpleasure。Forthelasthundredandfiftyyears，notasingledayhaspassedwithoutsomememberofmyfamilyriskinghislife——orherlife。It’sapointofhonorwithustokeepupthattradition。Usuallyseveralofusdoit；butithappensthatjustatthismomentitisbeingkeptupbyoneofmybrothersonly。
EarlythismorningIgotatelegramfromhimtosaythattherehadbeenafire，andthathecoulddonothingfortherestoftheweek。
FortunatelyIhadaninvitationfromtheAerialLeaguetoseethisgentlemantrytobreakthepassengerrecord。IappealedtothePresidentoftheLeaguetoletmesavethehonorofmyfamily。Hearrangeditforme。
TARLETON。Oh，Imustbedreaming。Thisisstarkravingnonsense。
LINA。_[quietly]_Youarequiteawake，sir。
JOHNNY。Wecantallbedreamingthesamething，Governor。
TARLETON。Ofcoursenot，youduffer；butthenI’mdreamingyouaswellasthelady。
MRSTARLETON。Dontbesilly，John。Theladyisonlyjoking，I’msure。_[ToLina]_Isupposeyourluggageisintheaeroplane。
PERCIVAL。Luggagewasoutofthequestion。IfIstaytodinnerI’mafraidIcantchangeunlessyoulllendmesomeclothes。
MRSTARLETON。Doyoumeanneitherofyou？
PERCIVAL。I’mafraidso。
MRSTARLETON。Ohwell，nevermind：Hypatiawilllendtheladyagown。
LINA。Thankyou：I’mquitecomfortableasIam。Iamnotaccustomedtogowns：theyhampermeandmakemefeelridiculous；soifyoudontmindIshallnotchange。
MRSTARLETON。Well，I’mbeginningtothinkI’mdoingabitofdreamingmyself。
HYPATIA。_[impatiently]_Oh，it’sallright，mamma。Johnny：lookafterMr。Percival。_[ToLina，rising]_Comewithme。
_Linafollowshertotheinnerdoor。Theyallrise。_
JOHNNY。_[toPercival]_I’llshewyou。
PERCIVAL。Thankyou。
_LinagoesoutwithHypatia，andPercivalwithJohnny。_
MRSTARLETON。Well，thisisanicethingtohappen!Andlookatthegreenhouse!Itllcostthirtypoundstomendit。Peoplehavenorighttodosuchthings。Andyouinvitedthemtodinnertoo!WhatsortofwomanisthattohaveinourhousewhenyouknowthatallHindheadwillbecallingonustoseethataeroplane？Bunny：comewithmeandhelpmetogetallthepeopleoutofthegrounds：Ideclaretheycamerunningasiftheydsprungupoutoftheearth_[shemakesfortheinnerdoor]。_
TARLETON。No：dontyoutrouble，Chickabiddy：I’lltackleem。
MRSTARLETON。Indeedyoulldonothingofthekind：youllstayherequietlywithLordSummerhays。Youdinvitethemalltodinner。Come，Bunny。_[Shegoesout，followedbyBentley。LordSummerhayssitsdownagain]。_
TARLETON。SingularlybeautifulwomanSummerhays。Whatdoyoumakeofher？Shemustbeaprincess。Whatsthisfamilyofwarriorsandstatesmenthatrisktheirliveseveryday？
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Theyareevidentlynotwarriorsandstatesmen，ortheywouldntdothat。
TARLETON。Well，then，whothedevilarethey？
LORDSUMMERHAYS。IthinkIknow。ThelasttimeIsawthatlady，shedidsomethingIshouldnothavethoughtpossible。
TARLETON。Whatwasthat？
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Well，shewalkedbackwardsalongatautwirewithoutabalancingpoleandturnedasomersaultinthemiddle。IrememberthathernamewasLina，andthattheothernamewasforeign；thoughI
dontrecollectit。
TARLETON。Szcz!Youcouldnthaveforgottenthatifyoudheardit。
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Ididnthearit：Ionlysawitonaprogram。Butit’sclearshesanacrobat。ItexplainshowshesavedPercival。Anditaccountsforherfamilypride。
TARLETON。Anacrobat，eh？Good，good，good!Summerhays：thatbringsherwithinreach。Thatsbetterthanaprincess。IsteeledthisevergreenheartofminewhenIthoughtshewasaprincess。NowI
shallletitbetouched。Sheisaccessible。Good。
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Ihopeyouarenotserious。Remember：youhaveafamily。Youhaveaposition。Youarenotinyourfirstyouth。
TARLETON。Nomatter。
TheresmagicinthenightWhentheheartisyoung。
Myheartisyoung。Besides，I’mamarriedman，notawidowerlikeyou。Amarriedmancandoanythinghelikesifhiswifedontmind。A
widowercantbetoocareful。NotthatIwouldhaveyouthinkmeanunprincipledmanorabadhusband。I’mnot。ButIveasuperabundanceofvitality。ReadPepys’Diary。
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Thewomanisyourguest，Tarleton。
TARLETON。Well，isshe？AwomanIbringintomyhouseismyguest。
Awomanyoubringintomyhouseismyguest。Butawomanwhodropsbangdownoutoftheskyintomygreenhouseandsmasheseveryblessedpaneofglassinitmusttakeherchance。
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Still，youknowthatmynamemustnotbeassociatedwithanyscandal。Youllbecareful，wontyou？
TARLETON。OhLord，yes。Yes，yes，yes，yes，yes。Iwasonlyjoking，ofcourse。
_MrsTarletoncomesbackthroughtheinnerdoor。_
MRSTARLETON。WellInever!John：Idontthinkthatyoungwoman’srightinherhead。Doyouknowwhatshesjustaskedfor？
TARLETON。Champagne？
MRSTARLETON。No。ShewantsaBibleandsixoranges。
TARLETON。What？
MRSTARLETON。ABibleandsixoranges。
TARLETON。Iunderstandtheoranges：shesdoinganorangecureofsomesort。ButwhatonearthdoesshewanttheBiblefor？
MRSTARLETON。I’msureIcantimagine。Shecantberightinherhead。
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Perhapsshewantstoreadit。
MRSTARLETON。Butwhyshouldshe，onaweekday，atallevents。Whatwouldyouadvisemetodo，LordSummerhays？
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Well，isthereaBibleinthehouse？
TARLETON。Stacksofem。TheresthefamilyBible，andtheDoreBible，andtheparallelrevisedversionBible，andtheDovesPressBible，andJohnny’sBibleandBobby’sBibleandPatsy’sBible，andtheChickabiddy’sBibleandmyBible；andIdaresaytheservantscouldraiseafewmorebetweenthem。Letherhavethelot。
MRSTARLETON。DonttalklikethatbeforeLordSummerhays，John。
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Itdoesntmatter，MrsTarleton：inJinghiskahnitwasapunishableoffencetoexposeaBibleforsale。Theempirehasnoreligion。
_Linacomesin。ShehaslefthercapinHypatia’sroom。Shestopsonthelandingjustinsidethedoor，andspeaksoverthehandrail。_
LINA。Oh，MrsTarleton，shallIbemakingmyselfverytroublesomeifIaskforamusic—standinmyroomaswell？
TARLETON。Notatall。Youcanhavethepianoifyoulike。Orthegramophone。Havethegramophone。
LINA。No，thankyou：nomusic。
MRSTARLETON。_[goingtothesteps]_Doyouthinkit’sgoodforyoutoeatsomanyoranges？Arntyouafraidofgettingjaundice？
LINA。_[comingdown]_Notintheleast。Butbilliardballswilldoquiteaswell。
MRSTARLETON。Butyoucanteatbilliardballs，child!
TARLETON。Getem，Chickabiddy。Iunderstand。_[Heimitatesajugglertossingupballs]。_Eh？
LINA。_[goingtohim，pasthiswife]_Justso。
TARLETON。Billiardballsandcues。Plates，knives，andforks。Twoparaffinlampsandahatstand。
LINA。No：thatispopularlow—classbusiness。Inourfamilywetouchnothingbutclassicalwork。Anybodycandolampsandhatstands。
_I_candosilverbullets。Thatisreallyhard。_[ShepassesontoLordSummerhays，andlooksgravelydownathimashesitsbythewritingtable]。_
MRSTARLETON。Well，I’msureIdontknowwhatyouretalkingabout；
andIonlyhopeyouknowyourselves。However，youshallhavewhatyouwant，ofcourse。_[Shegoesupthestepsandleavestheroom]。_
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Willyouforgivemycuriosity？WhatistheBiblefor？
LINA。Toquietmysoul。
LORDSUMMERHAYS_[withasigh]_Ahyes，yes。Itnolongerquietsmine，Iamsorrytosay。
LINA。Thatisbecauseyoudonotknowhowtoreadit。Putitupbeforeyouonastand；andopenitatthePsalms。Whenyoucanreadthemandunderstandthem，quitequietlyandhappily，andkeepsixballsintheairallthetime，youareinperfectcondition；andyoullnevermakeamistakethatevening。Ifyoufindyoucantdothat，thengoandprayuntilyoucan。Andbeverycarefulthatevening。
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Isthattheusualformoftestinyourprofession？
LINA。NothingthatweSzczepanowskisdoisusual，mylord。
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Areyouallsowonderful？
LINA。Itisourprofessiontobewonderful。
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Doyounevercondescendtodoascommonpeopledo？
Forinstance，doyounotprayascommonpeoplepray？
LINA。Commonpeopledonotpray，mylord：theyonlybeg。
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Youneveraskforanything？
LINA。No。
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Thenwhydoyoupray？
LINA。ToremindmyselfthatIhaveasoul。
TARLETON。_[walkingabout]_True。Fine。Good。Beautiful。Allthisdamnedmaterialism：whatgoodisittoanybody？Ivegotasoul：
donttellmeIhavnt。Cutmeupandyoucantfindit。Cutupasteamengineandyoucantfindthesteam。But，byGeorge，itmakestheenginego。Saywhatyouwill，Summerhays，thedivinesparkisafact。
LORDSUMMERHAYS。HaveIdeniedit？
TARLETON。Ourwholecivilizationisadenialofit。ReadWaltWhitman。
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Ishallgotothebilliardroomandgettheballsforyou。
LINA。Thankyou。
_LordSummerhaysgoesoutthroughthevestibuledoor。_
TARLETON。_[goingtoher]_Listentome。_[Sheturnsquickly]。_
Whatyousaidjustnowwasbeautiful。Youtouchchords。Youappealtothepoetryinaman。Youinspirehim。Comenow!Youreawomanoftheworld：youreindependent：youmusthavedrivenlotsofmencrazy。YouknowthesortofmanIam，dontyou？Seethroughmeataglance，eh？
LINA。Yes。_[ShesitsdownquietlyinthechairLordSummerhayshasjustleft]。_
TARLETON。Good。Well，doyoulikeme？Dontmisunderstandme：I’mperfectlyawarethatyourenotgoingtofallinloveatfirstsightwitharidiculousoldshopkeeper。Icanthelpthatridiculousoldshopkeeper。IhavetocarryhimaboutwithmewhetherIlikeitornot。Ihavetopayforhisclothes，thoughIhatethecutofthem：
especiallythewaistcoat。IhavetolookathimintheglasswhileI’mshaving。Iloathehimbecausehesalivinglie。Mysoul’snotlikethat：it’slikeyours。Iwanttomakeafoolofmyself。Aboutyou。Willyouletme？
LINA。_[verycalm]_Howmuchwillyoupay？
TARLETON。Nothing。ButI’llthrowasmanysovereignsasyoulikeintotheseatoshewyouthatI’minearnest。
LINA。Arethoseyourusualterms？
TARLETON。No。Inevermadethatbidbefore。
LINA。_[producingadaintylittlebookandpreparingtowriteinit]_
Whatdidyousayyournamewas？
TARLETON。JohnTarleton。ThegreatJohnTarletonofTarleton’sUnderwear。
LINA。_[writing]_T—a—r—l—e—t—o—n。Er——？_[Shelooksupathiminquiringly]。_
TARLETON。_[promptly]_Fifty—eight。
LINA。Thankyou。Ikeepalistofallmyoffers。IliketoknowwhatI’mconsideredworth。
TARLETON。Letmelook。
LINA。_[offeringthebooktohim]_It’sinPolish。
TARLETON。Thatsnogood。Isminethelowestoffer？
LINA。No：thehighest。
TARLETON。Whatdomostofthemcometo？Diamonds？Motorcars？
Furs？VillaatMonteCarlo？
LINA。Ohyes：allthat。Andsometimesthedevotionofalifetime。
TARLETON。Fancythat!Ayoungmanofferingawomanhisoldageasatemptation!
LINA。Bytheway，youdidnotsayhowlong。
TARLETON。Untilyougettiredofme。
LINA。Oruntilyougettiredofme？
TARLETON。Inevergettired。Inevergoonlongenoughforthat。
Butwhenitbecomessogrand，soinspiringthatIfeelthateverythingmustbeananti—climaxafterthat，thenIrunaway。
LINA。Doessheletyougowithoutastruggle？
TARLETON。Yes。Gladtogetridofme。Whenlovetakesamanasittakesme——whenitmakeshimgreat——itfrightensawoman。
LINA。Theladyhereisyourwife，isntshe？Dontyoucareforher？
TARLETON。Yes。Andmind!shecomesfirstalways。IreserveherdignityevenwhenIsacrificemyown。Youllrespectthatpointofhonor，wontyou？
LINA。Onlyapointofhonor？
TARLETON。_[impulsively]_No，byGod!apointofaffectionaswell。
LINA。_[smiling，pleasedwithhim]_Shakehands，oldpal_[sherisesandoffershimherhandfrankly]。_
TARLETON。_[givinghishandratherdolefully]_Thanks。Thatmeansno，doesntit？
LINA。Itmeanssomethingthatwilllastlongerthanyes。Ilikeyou。
Iadmityoutomyfriendship。Whatapityyouwerenottrainedwhenyouwereyoung!Youdbeyoungstill。
TARLETON。Isuppose，toanathletelikeyou，I’mprettyawful，eh？
LINA。Shocking。
TARLETON。Toomuchcrumb。Wrinkles。Yellowpatchesthatwontcomeoff。Shortwind。Iknow。I’mashamedofmyself。Icoulddonothingonthehighrope。
LINA。Ohyes：Icouldputyouinawheelbarrowandrunyoualong，twohundredfeetup。
TARLETON。_[shuddering]_Ugh!Well，I’ddoeventhatforyou。ReadTheMasterBuilder。
LINA。Haveyoulearnteverythingfrombooks？
TARLETON。Well，haveyoulearnteverythingfromtheflyingtrapeze？
LINA。Ontheflyingtrapezethereisoftenanotherwoman；andherlifeisinyourhandseverynightandyourlifeinhers。
TARLETON。Lina：I’mgoingtomakeafoolofmyself。I’mgoingtocry_[hecrumplesintothenearestchair]。_
LINA。Prayinstead：dontcry。Whyshouldyoucry？YourenotthefirstI’vesaidnoto。
TARLETON。Ifyouhadsaidyes，shouldIhavebeenthefirstthen？
LINA。Whatrighthaveyoutoask？HaveIaskedam_I_thefirst？
TARLETON。Youreright：avulgarquestion。Toamanlikeme，everybodyisthefirst。Liferenewsitself。
LINA。Theyoungestchildisthesweetest。
TARLETON。Dontprobetoodeep，Lina。Ithurts。
LINA。Youmustgetoutofthehabitofthinkingthatthesethingsmattersomuch。It’slinendraperish。
TARLETON。Yourequiteright。Iveoftensaidso。Allthesame，itdoesmatter；forIwanttocry。_[Heburieshisfaceinhisarmsonthework—tableandsobs]。_
LINA。_[goingtohim]_0lala!_[Sheslapshimvigorously，butnotunkindly，ontheshoulder]。_Courage，oldpal，courage!Haveyouagymnasiumhere？
TARLETON。Theresatrapezeandbarsandthingsinthebilliardroom。
LINA。Come。Youneedafewexercises。I’llteachyouhowtostopcrying。_[Shetakeshisarmandleadshimoffintothevestibule]。_
_Ayoungman，cheaplydressedandstrangeinmanner，appearsinthegarden；stealstothepaviliondoor；andlooksin。Seeingthatthereisnobody，heenterscautiouslyuntilhehascomefarenoughtoseeintothehatstandcorner。Hedrawsarevolver，andexaminesit，apparentlytomakesurethatitisloaded。ThenhisattentioniscaughtbytheTurkishbath。Helooksdownthelunette，andopensthepanels。_
HYPATIA。_[callinginthegarden]_MrPercival!MrPercival!Whereareyou？
_Theyoungmanmakesforthedoor，butseesPercivalcoming。HeturnsandboltsintotheTurkishbath，whichheclosesuponhimselfjustintimetoescapebeingcaughtbyPercival，whorunsinthroughthepavilion，bareheaded。Healso，itappears，isinsearchofahiding—place；forhestopsandturnsbetweenthetwotablestotakeasurveyoftheroom；thenrunsintothecornerbetweentheendofthesideboardandthewall。Hypatia，excited，mischievous，hereyesglowing，runsin，preciselyonhistrail；turnsatthesamespot；anddiscovershimjustashemakesadashforthepaviliondoor。Shefliesbackandinterceptshim。_
HYPATIA。Aha!arntyougladIvecaughtyou？
PERCIVAL。_[illhumoredlyturningawayfromherandcomingtowardsthewritingtable]_NoI’mnot。Confoundit，whatsortofgirlareyou？
Whatsortofhouseisthis？MustIthrowallgoodmannerstothewinds？
HYPATIA。_[followinghim]_Do，do，do，do，do。Thisisthehouseofarespectableshopkeeper，enormouslyrich。Thisistherespectableshopkeeper’sdaughter，tiredofgoodmanners。_[Slippingherlefthandintohisright]_Come，handsomeyoungman，andplaywiththerespectableshopkeeper’sdaughter。
PERCIVAL。_[withdrawingquicklyfromhertouch]_No，no：dontyouknowyoumustntgoonlikethiswithaperfectstranger？
HYPATIA。Droppeddownfromthesky。Dontyouknowthatyoumustalwaysgoonlikethiswhenyougetthechance？Youmustcometothetopofthehillandchasemethroughthebracken。Youmaykissmeifyoucatchme。
PERCIVAL。Ishalldonothingofthesort。
HYPATIA。Yesyouwill：youcanthelpyourself。Comealong。_[Sheseizeshissleeve]。_Fool，fool：comealong。Dontyouwantto？
PERCIVAL。No：certainlynot。IshouldneverbeforgivenifIdidit。
HYPATIA。Youllneverforgiveyourselfifyoudont。
PERCIVAL。Nonsense。YoureengagedtoBen。Ben’smyfriend。Whatdoyoutakemefor？
HYPATIA。Ben’sold。Benwasbornold。Theyrealloldhere，exceptyouandmeandtheman—womanorwoman—manorwhateveryoucallherthatcamewithyou。Theyneverdoanything：theyonlydiscusswhetherwhatotherpeopledoisright。Comeandgivethemsomethingtodiscuss。
PERCIVAL。Iwilldonothingincorrect。
HYPATIA。Oh，dontbeafraid，littleboy：youllgetnothingbutakiss；andI’llfightlikethedeviltokeepyoufromgettingthat。
Butwemustplayonthehillandracethroughtheheather。
PERCIVAL。Why？
HYPATIA。Becausewewantto，handsomeyoungman。
PERCIVAL。Butifeverybodywentoninthisway——
HYPATIA。Howhappy!ohhowhappytheworldwouldbe!
PERCIVAL。Buttheconsequencesmaybeserious。
HYPATIA。Nothingisworthdoingunlesstheconsequencesmaybeserious。Myfathersaysso；andI’mmyfather’sdaughter。
PERCIVAL。I’mthesonofthreefathers。Imistrustthesewildimpulses。
HYPATIA。Takecare。Yourelettingthemomentslip。Ifeelthefirstchillofthewaveofprudence。Saveme。
PERCIVAL。Really，MissTarleton_[shestrikeshimacrosstheface]_
——Damnyou!_[Recoveringhimself，horrifiedathislapse]_Ibegyourpardon；butsincewevebothforgottenourselves，youllpleaseallowmetoleavethehouse。_[Heturnstowardstheinnerdoor，havinglefthiscapinthebedroom]。_
HYPATIA。_[standinginhisway]_Areyouashamedofhavingsaid\"Damnyou\"tome？
PERCIVAL。Ihadnorighttosayit。I’mverymuchashamedofit。I
havealreadybeggedyourpardon。
HYPATIA。Andyourenotashamedofhavingsaid\"Really，MissTarleton。\"
PERCIVAL。WhyshouldI？
HYPATIA。0man，man!mean，stupid，cowardly，selfishmasculinemaleman!Yououghttohavebeenagoverness。Iwasexpelledfromschoolforsayingthattheverynextpersonthatsaid\"Really，MissTarleton，\"tome，Iwouldstrikeheracrosstheface。Youwerethenext。
PERCIVAL。Ihadnointentionofbeingoffensive。Surelythereisnothingthatcanwoundanyladyin——_[Hehesitates，notquiteconvinced]。_Atleast——er——Ireallydidntmeantobedisagreeable。
HYPATIA。Liar。
PERCIVAL。Ofcourseifyouregoingtoinsultme，Iamquitehelpless。
Youreawoman：youcansaywhatyoulike。
HYPATIA。Andyoucanonlysaywhatyoudare。Poorwretch：itisntmuch。_[Hebiteshislip，andsitsdown，verymuchannoyed]。_
Really，MrPercival!Yousitdowninthepresenceofaladyandleaveherstanding。_[Heriseshastily]。_Ha，ha!Really，MrPercival!
Ohreally，really，really，really，really，MrPercival!Howdoyoulikeit？WouldntyouratherIdamnedyou？
PERCIVAL。MissTarleton——
HYPATIA。_[caressingly]_Hypatia，Joey。Patsy，ifyoulike。
PERCIVAL。Lookhere：thisisnogood。Youwanttodowhatyoulike？
HYPATIA。Dontyou？
PERCIVAL。No。Ivebeentoowellbroughtup。Ivearguedallthroughthisthing；andItellyouI’mnotpreparedtocastoffthesocialbond。It’slikeacorset：it’sasupporttothefigureevenifitdoessqueezeanddeformitabit。Iwanttobefree。
HYPATIA。Well，I’mtemptingyoutobefree。
PERCIVAL。Notatall。Freedom，mygoodgirl，meansbeingabletocountonhowotherpeoplewillbehave。Ifeverymanwhodislikesmeistothrowahandfulofmudinmyface，andeverywomanwholikesmeistobehavelikePotiphar’swife，thenIshallbeaslave：theslaveofuncertainty：theslaveoffear：theworstofallslaveries。Howwouldyoulikeitifeverylaboreryoumetintheroadweretomakelovetoyou？No。Givemetheblessedprotectionofagoodstiffconventionalityamongthoroughlywell—broughtupladiesandgentlemen。
HYPATIA。Anothertalker!Menlikeconventionsbecausemenmadethem。
Ididntmakethem：Idontlikethem：Iwontkeepthem。Now，whatwillyoudo？
PERCIVAL。Bolt。_[Herunsoutthroughthepavilion]。_
HYPATIA。I’llcatchyou。_[Shedashesoffinpursuit]。_
_DuringthisconversationtheheadofthescandalizedmanintheTurkishbathhasrepeatedlyrisenfromthelunette，withastrongexpressionofmoralshock。Itvanishesabruptlyasthetwoturntowardsitintheirflight。AtthesamemomentTarletoncomesbackthroughthevestibuledoor，exhaustedbysevereandunaccustomedexercise。_
TARLETON。_[lookingaftertheflyingfigureswithamazement]_Hallo，Patsy：whatsup？Anotheraeroplane？_[Theyarefartoopreoccupiedtohearhim；andheisleftstaringafterthemastheyrushawaythroughthegarden。Hegoestothepaviliondoorandlooksup；buttheheavensareempty。Hisexhaustiondisableshimfromfurtherinquiry。Hedabshisbrowwithhishandkerchief，andwalksstifflytothenearestconvenientsupport，whichhappenstobetheTurkishbath。
Hepropshimselfuponitwithhiselbow，andcovershiseyeswithhishandforamoment。Afterafewsighingbreaths，hefeelsalittlebetter，anduncovershiseyes。Theman’sheadrisesfromthelunetteafewinchesfromhisnose。Herecoilsfromthebathwithaviolentstart]。_OhLord!Mybrain’sgone。_[Callingpiteously]_
Chickabiddy!_[Hestaggersdowntothewritingtable]。_
THEMAN。_[comingoutofthebath，pistolinhand]_Anothersound；
andyoureadeadman。
TARLETON。_[braced]_AmI？Well，yourealiveone：thatsonecomfort。Ithoughtyouwereaghost。_[Hesitsdown，quiteundisturbedbythepistol]_Whoareyou；andwhatthedevilwereyoudoinginmynewTurkishbath？
THEMAN。_[withtragicintensity]_IamthesonofLucindaTitmus。
TARLETON。_[thenameconveyingnothingtohim]_Indeed？Andhowisshe？Quitewell，Ihope，eh？
THEMAN。Sheisdead。Dead，myGod!andyourealive。
TARLETON。_[unimpressedbythetragedy，butsympathetic]_Oh!Lostyourmother？Thatssad。I’msorry。Butwecantallhavethelucktosurviveourmothers，andbenursedoutoftheworldbythehandsthatnursedusintoit。
THEMAN。Muchyoucare，damnyou!
TARLETON。Oh，dontcutuprough。Faceitlikeaman。YouseeI
didntknowyourmother；butIvenodoubtshewasanexcellentwoman。
THEMAN。Notknowher!Doyoudaretostandtherebyheropengraveanddenythatyouknewher？
TARLETON。_[tryingtorecollect]_Whatdidyousayhernamewas？
THEMAN。LucindaTitmus。
TARLETON。Well，IoughttorememberarumnamelikethatifIeverheardit。ButIdont。Haveyouaphotographoranything？
THEMAN。Forgotteneventhenameofyourvictim!
TARLETON。Oh!shewasmyvictim，wasshe？
THEMAN。Shewas。Andyoushallseeherfaceagainbeforeyoudie，deadassheis。Ihaveaphotograph。
TARLETON。Good。
THEMAN。Ivetwophotographs。
TARLETON。Stillbetter。Treasurethemother’spictures。Goodboy!
THEMAN。Oneofthemasyouknewher。Theotherasshebecamewhenyouflungheraside，andshewitheredintoanoldwoman。
TARLETON。She’dhavedonethatanyhow，mylad。Weallgrowold。
Lookatme!_[Seeingthatthemanisembarrassedbyhispistolinfumblingforthephotographswithhislefthandinhisbreastpocket]_
Letmeholdthegunforyou。
THEMAN。_[retreatingtotheworktable]_Standback。Doyoutakemeforafool？
TARLETON。Well，yourealittleupset，naturally。Itdoesyoucredit。
THEMAN。Lookhere，uponthispictureandonthis。_[Heholdsoutthetwophotographslikeahandatcards，andpointstothemwiththepistol]。_
TARLETON。Good。ReadShakespear：hehasawordforeveryoccasion。
_[Hetakesthephotographs，oneineachhand，andlooksfromonetotheother，pleasedandinterested，butwithoutanysignofrecognition]_Whataprettygirl!Verypretty。IcanimaginemyselffallinginlovewithherwhenIwasyourage。Iwasntabad—lookingyoungfellowmyselfinthosedays。_[Lookingattheother]_Curiousthatweshouldbothhavegonethesameway。
THEMAN。Youandshethesameway!Whatdoyoumean？
TARLETON。Bothgotstout，Imean。
THEMAN。Wouldyouhavehadherdenyherselffood？
TARLETON。No：itwouldnthavebeenanyuse。It’sconstitutional。
Nomatterhowlittleyoueatyouputonfleshifyouremadethatway。
_[Heresumeshisstudyoftheearlierphotograph]。_
THEMAN。Isthatallthefeelingthatrisesinyouatthesightofthefaceyouonceknewsowell？
TARLETON。_[toomuchabsorbedintheportraittoheedhim]_FunnythatIcantremember!Letthisbealessontoyou，youngman。I
couldgointocourttomorrowandswearIneversawthatfacebeforeinmylifeifitwasntforthatbrooch_[pointingtothephotograph]。_
Haveyougotthatbrooch，bytheway？_[Themanagainresortstohisbreastpocket]。_Youseemtocarrythewholefamilypropertyinthatpocket。
THEMAN。_[producingabrooch]_Hereitistoprovemybonafides。
TARLETON。_[pensivelyputtingthephotographsonthetableandtakingthebrooch]_IboughtthatbroochinCheapsidefromamanwithayellowwigandacastinhislefteye。Iveneverseteyesonhimfromthatdaytothis。AndyetIrememberthatman；andIcantrememberyourmother。
THEMAN。Monster!Withoutconscience!withoutevenmemory!Youlefthertohershame——
TARLETON。_[throwingthebroochonthetableandrisingpepperily]_
Come，come，youngman!noneofthat。Respecttheromanceofyourmother’syouth。Dontyoustartthrowingstonesather。Idontrecallherfeaturesjustatthismoment；butIvenodoubtshewaskindtomeandwewerehappytogether。Ifyouhaveawordtosayagainsther，takeyourselfoutofmyhouseandsayitelsewhere。
THEMAN。Whatsortofajokerareyou？Areyoutryingtoputmeinthewrong，whenyouhavetoanswertomeforacrimethatwouldmakeeveryhonestmanspitatyouasyoupassedinthestreetifIweretomakeitknown？
TARLETON。Youreadagooddeal，dontyou？
THEMAN。WhatifIdo？Whathasthattodowithyourinfamyandmymother’sdoom？
TARLETON。There，yousee!Doom!Thatsnotgoodsense；butit’sliterature。NowithappensthatI’matremendousreader：alwayswas。
WhenIwasyourageIreadbooksofthatsortbythebushel：theDoomsort，youknow。It’sodd，isntit，thatyouandIshouldbelikeoneanotherinthatrespect？Canyouaccountforitinanyway？
THEMAN。No。Whatareyoudrivingat？
TARLETON。Well，doyouknowwhoyourfatherwas？
THEMAN。Iseewhatyoumeannow。Youdaresetuptobemyfather。
ThankheavenIvenotadropofyourvilebloodinmyveins。
TARLETON。_[sittingdownagainwithashrug]_Well，ifyouwontbecivil，theresnopleasureintalkingtoyou，isthere？Whatdoyouwant？Money？
THEMAN。Howdareyouinsultme？
TARLETON。Well，whatdoyouwant？
THEMAN。Justice。
TARLETON。Yourequitesurethatsall？
THEMAN。It’senoughforme。
TARLETON。Amodestsortofdemand，isntit？Nobodyeverhaditsincetheworldbegan，fortunatelyforthemselves；butyoumusthaveit，mustyou？Well，youvecometothewrongshopforit：youllgetnojusticehere：wedontkeepit。Humannatureiswhatwestock。
THEMAN。Humannature!Debauchery!gluttony!selfishness!robberyofthepoor!Isthatwhatyoucallhumannature？
TARLETON。No：thatswhatyoucallit。Come，mylad!Whatsthematterwithyou？Youdontlookstarved；andyouveadecentsuitofclothes。
THEMAN。Forty—twoshillings。
TARLETON。Theycandoyouaverydecentsuitforforty—twoshillings。
Haveyoupaidforit？
THEMAN。Doyoutakemeforathief？AnddoyousupposeIcangetcreditlikeyou？
TARLETON。Thenyouwereabletolayyourhandonforty—twoshillings。
Judgingfromyourconversationalstyle，Ishouldthinkyoumustspendatleastashillingaweekonromanticliterature。
THEMAN。WherewouldIgetashillingaweektospendonbookswhenI
canhardlykeepmyselfdecent？IgetbooksattheFreeLibrary。
TARLETON_[springingtohisfeet]_What!!!
THEMAN。_[recoilingbeforehisvehemence]_TheFreeLibrary。
Theresnoharminthat。
TARLETON。Ingrate!Isupplyyouwithfreebooks；andtheuseyoumakeofthemistopersuadeyourselfthatit’safinethingtoshootme。_[Hethrowshimselfdoggedlybackintohischair]。_I’llnevergiveanotherpennytoaFreeLibrary。
THEMAN。Youllnevergiveanotherpennytoanything。Thisistheend：foryouandme。
TARLETON。Pooh!Come，come，man!talkbusiness。Whatswrong？Areyououtofemployment？
THEMAN。No。ThisismySaturdayafternoon。DontflatteryourselfthatI’maloaferoracriminal。I’macashier；andIdefyyoutosaythatmycashhaseverbeenafarthingwrong。Ivearighttocallyoutoaccountbecausemyhandsareclean。
TARLETON。Well，callaway。WhathaveItoaccountfor？Hadyouahardtimewithyourmother？Whydidntsheaskmeformoney？
THEMAN。She’dhavediedfirst。Besides，whowantedyourmoney？Doyousupposewelivedinthegutter？Myfathermaynthavebeeninaslargeawayasyou；buthewasbetterconnected；andhisshopwasasrespectableasyours。
TARLETON。Isupposeyourmotherbroughthimalittlecapital。
THEMAN。Idontknow。Whatsthatgottodowithyou？
TARLETON。Well，yousaysheandIknewoneanotherandparted。Shemusthavehadsomethingoffmethen，youknow。Onedoesntgetoutofthesethingsfornothing。Hangit，youngman：doyousupposeIvenoheart？Ofcourseshehadherdue；andshefoundahusbandwithit，andsethimupinbusinesswithit，andbroughtyouuprespectably；sowhatthedevilhaveyoutocomplainof？
THEMAN。Arewomentoberuinedwithimpunity？
TARLETON。IhavntruinedanywomanthatI’mawareof。Ivebeenthemakingofyouandyourmother。
THEMAN。Oh，I’mafooltolistentoyouandarguewithyou。Icameheretokillyouandthenkillmyself。
TARLETON。Beginwithyourself，ifyoudontmind。IveagooddealofbusinesstodostillbeforeIdie。Havntyou？
THEMAN。No。Thatsjustit：Ivenobusinesstodo。Doyouknowwhatmylifeis？Ispendmydaysfromninetosix——ninehoursofdaylightandfreshair——inastuffylittledencountinganotherman’smoney。Iveanintellect：amindandabrainandasoul；andtheusehemakesofthemistofixthemonhistuppencesandhiseighteenpencesandhistwopoundseventeenandtenpencesandseehowmuchtheycometoattheendofthedayandtakecarethatnoonestealsthem。Ienterandenter，andaddandadd，andtakemoneyandgivechange，andfillchequesandstampreceipts；andnotapennyofthatmoneyismyown：notoneofthosetransactionshasthesmallestinterestformeoranyoneelseintheworldbuthim；andevenhecouldntstanditifhehadtodoitallhimself。AndI’menvied：
aye，enviedforthevarietyandlivelinessofmyjob，bythepoordevilofabookkeeperthathastocopyallmyentriesoveragain。
Fiftythousandentriesayearthatpoorwretchmakes；andnottenoutofthefiftythousandeverhastobereferredtoagain；andwhenallthefiguresarecountedupandthebalancesheetmadeout，thebossisntapennythericherthanhe’dbeifbookkeepinghadneverbeeninvented。Ofallthedamnablewasteofhumanlifethateverwasinvented，clerkingistheveryworst。
TARLETON。Whynotjointheterritorials？
THEMAN。BecauseIshouldntbelet。Hehasnteventhesensetoseethatitwouldpayhimtogetsomecheapsoldieringoutofme。Howcanamantiedtoadeskfromninetosixbeanything——beevenaman，letaloneasoldier？ButI’llteachhimandyoualesson。Ivehadenoughoflivingadog’slifeanddespisingmyselfforit。Ivehadenoughofbeingtalkeddowntobyhogslikeyou，andwearingmylifeoutforasalarythatwouldutkeepyouincigars。Youllneverbelievethataclerk’samanuntiloneofusmakesanexampleofoneofyou。
TARLETON。Despotismtemperedbyassassination，eh？
THEMAN。Yes。ThatswhattheydoinRussia。Well，abusinessofficeisRussiaasfarastheclerksareconcerned。Sodontyoutakeitsocoolly。YouthinkI’mnotgoingtodoit；butIam。
TARLETON。_[risingandfacinghim]_Come，now，asmantoman!It’snotmyfaultthatyourepoorerthanIam；andit’snotyourfaultthatI’mricherthanyou。Andifyoucouldundoallthatpassedbetweenmeandyourmother，youwouldntundoit；andneitherwouldshe。Butyouresickofyourslavery；andyouwanttobetheheroofaromanceandtogetintothepapers。Eh？Asonrevengeshismother’sshame。
Villainwelteringinhisgore。Mother：lookdownfromheavenandreceiveyourunhappyson’slastsigh。
THEMAN。Oh，rot!doyouthinkIreadnovelettes？AnddoyousupposeIbelievesuchsuperstitionsasheaven？IgotochurchbecausethebosstoldmeI’dgetthesackifIdidnt。FreeEngland!Ha!_[Linaappearsatthepaviliondoor，andcomesswiftlyandnoiselesslyforwardonseeingthemanwithapistolinhishand]。_
TARLETON。Youreafraidofgettingthesack；butyourenotafraidtoshootyourself。
THEMAN。Damnyou!youretryingtokeepmetalkinguntilsomebodycomes。_[Heraisesthepistoldesperately，butnotveryresolutely]。_
LINA。_[athisrightelbow]_Somebodyhascome。
THEMAN_[turningonher]_Standoff。I’llshootyouifyoulayahandonme。Iwill，byGod。
LINA。Youcantcovermewiththatpistol。Try。
_Hetries，presentingthepistolatherface。Shemovesroundhimintheoppositedirectiontothehandsofaclockwithalightdancingstep。Hefindsitimpossibletocoverherwiththepistol：sheisalwaystoofartohisleft。Tarleton，behindhim，gripshiswristanddragshisarmstraightup，sothatthepistolpointstotheceiling。
Ashetriestoturnonhisassailant，Linagripshisotherwrist。_
LINA。Pleasestop。Icantbeartotwistanyone’swrist；butImustifyoudontletthepistolgo。
THEMAN。_[lettingTarletontakeitfromhim]_Allright：I’mdone。
Couldntevendothatjobdecently。Thatsaclerkallover。Verywell：sendforyourdamnedpoliceandmakeanendofit。I’maccustomedtoprisonfromninetosix：IdaresayIcanstanditfromsixtonineaswell。
TARLETON。Dontswear。Thatsalady。_[Hethrowsthepistolonthewritingtable]。_
THEMAN。_[lookingatLinainamazement]_Beatenbyafemale!Itneededonlythis。_[Hecollapsesinthechairneartheworktable，andhideshisface。Theycannothelppityinghim]。_
LINA。Oldpal：dontcallthepolice。Lendhimabicycleandlethimgetaway。
THEMAN。Icantrideabicycle。Inevercouldaffordone。I’mnoteventhatmuchgood。
TARLETON。IfIgaveyouahundredpoundnotenowtogoandhaveagoodspreewith，Iwonderwouldyouknowhowtosetaboutit。Doyouevertakeaholiday？
THEMAN。Take!IgotfourdayslastAugust。
TARLETON。Whatdidyoudo？
THEMAN。IdidacheaptriptoFolkestone。Ispentsevenpenceondroppingpenniesintosillyautomaticmachinesandpeepshowsofrowdygirlshavingajollytime。Ispentapennyontheliftandfourpenceonrefreshments。Thatcleanedmeout。TherestofthetimeIwassomiserablethatIwasgladtogetbacktotheoffice。Nowyouknow。
LINA。Cometothegymnasium：I’llteachyouhowtomakeamanofyourself。_[Themanisabouttoriseirresolutely，fromthemerehabitofdoingwhatheistold，whenTarletonstopshim]。_
TARLETON。Youngman：dont。Youvetriedtoshootme；butI’mnotvindictive。Idrawthelineatputtingamanontherack。Ifyouwanteveryjointinyourbodystretcheduntilit’sanagonytolive——untilyouhaveanunnaturalfeelingthatallyourmusclesaresingingandlaughingwithpain——thengotothegymnasiumwiththatlady。Butyoullbemorecomfortableinjail。
LINA。_[greatlyamused]_Wasthatwhyyouwentaway，oldpal？Wasthatthetelegramyousaidyouhadforgottentosend？
_MrsTarletoncomesinhastilythroughtheinnerdoor。_
MRSTARLETON。_[onthesteps]_Isanythingthematter，John？Nursesayssheheardyoucallingmeaquarterofanhourago；andthatyourvoicesoundedasifyouwereill。_[ShecomesbetweenTarletonandtheman。]_Isanythingthematter？
TARLETON。Thisisthesonofanoldfriendofmine。Mr——er——MrGunner。_[Totheman，whorisesawkwardly]。_Mywife。
MRSTARLETON。Goodeveningtoyou。
GUNNER。Er——_[Heistoonervoustospeak，andmakesashamblingbow]。_
_Bentleylooksinatthepaviliondoor，verypeevish，andtoopreoccupiedwithhisownaffairstopayanyattentiontothoseofthecompany。_
BENTLEY。Isay：hasanybodyseenHypatia？Shepromisedtocomeoutwithme；andIcantfindheranywhere。AndwheresJoey？
GUNNER。_[suddenlybreakingoutaggressively，beingincapableofanymiddlewaybetweensubmissivenessandviolence]__I_cantellyouwhereHypatiais。IcantellyouwhereJoeyis。AndIsayit’sascandalandaninfamy。Ifpeopleonlyknewwhatgoesoninthisso—calledrespectablehouseitwouldbeputastopto。Thesearethemoralsofourpiouscapitalistclass!Thisisyourrottenbourgeoisie!This!——
MRSTARLETON。Dontyoudareusesuchlanguageincompany。Iwontallowit。
TARLETON。Allright，Chickabiddy：it’snotbadlanguage：it’sonlySocialism。
MRSTARLETON。Well，IwonthaveanySocialisminmyhouse。
TARLETON。_[toGunner]_YouhearwhatMrsTarletonsays。Well，inthishouseeverybodydoeswhatshesaysorouttheygo。
GUNNER。DoyousupposeIwanttostay？DoyouthinkIwouldbreathethispollutedatmosphereamomentlongerthanIcouldhelp？
BENTLEY。_[runningforwardbetweenLinaandGunner]_ButwhatdidyoumeanbywhatyousaidaboutMissTarletonandMrPercival，youbeastlyrotter，you？
GUNNER。_[toTarleton]_Oh!isHypatiayourdaughter？AndJoeyisMisterPercival，ishe？Oneofyourset，Isuppose。Oneofthesmartset!Oneofthebridge—playing，eighty—horse—power，week—enderset!
OneofthejohnniesIslavefor!Well，Joeyhasmoredecencythanyourdaughter，anyhow。Thewomenaretheworst。IneverbelievedittilIsawitwithmyowneyes。Well，itwontlastforever。Thewritingisonthewall。Romefell。Babylonfell。Hindhead’sturnwillcome。
MRSTARLETON。_[naivelylookingatthewallforthewriting]_
Whateverareyoutalkingabout，youngman？
GUNNER。IknowwhatI’mtalkingabout。IwentintothatTurkishbathaboy：Icameoutaman。
MRSTARLETON。Goodgracious!hesmad。_[ToLina]_DidJohnmakehimtakeaTurkishbath？
LINA。No。HedoesntneedTurkishbaths：heneedstoputonalittleflesh。Idontunderstandwhatit’sallabout。IfoundhimtryingtoshootMrTarleton。
MRSTARLETON。_[withascream]_Oh!andJohnencouraginghim，I’llbebound!Bunny：yougoforthepolice。_[ToGunner]_I’llteachyoutocomeintomyhouseandshootmyhusband。
GUNNER。Teachaway。Ineveraskedtobeletoff。I’mashamedtobefreeinsteadoftakingmypartwiththerest。Women——beautifulwomenofnoblebirth——aregoingtoprisonfortheiropinions。GirlstudentsinRussiagotothegallows；letthemselvesbecutinpieceswiththeknout，ordriventhroughthefrozensnowsofSiberia，soonerthanstandlookingontamelyattheworldbeingmadeahellforthetoilingmillions。Ifyouwerenotallskunksandcowardsyoudbesufferingwiththeminsteadofbatteninghereontheplunderofthepoor。
MRSTARLETON。_[muchvexed]_Oh，didyoueverhearsuchsillynonsense？Bunny：goandtellthegardenertosendoveroneofhismentoGrayshottforthepolice。
GUNNER。I’llgowithhim。Iintendtogivemyselfup。I’mgoingtoexposewhatIveseenhere，nomatterwhattheconsequencesmaybetomymiserableself。
TARLETON。Stop。Youstaywhereyouare，Ben。Chickabiddy：youveneverhadthepolicein。Ifyouhad，youdnotbeinahurrytohavetheminagain。Now，youngman：cutthecackle；andtellus，asshortasyoucan，whatdidyousee？
GUNNER。Icanttellyouinthepresenceofladies。
MRSTARLETON。Oh，youaretiresome。Asifitmatteredtoanyonewhatyousaw。Me!Amarriedwomanthatmightbeyourmother。_[ToLina]_
AndI’msureyourenotparticular，ifyoullexcusemysayingso。
TARLETON。Outwithit。Whatdidyousee？
GUNNER。Isawyourdaughterwithmyowneyes——ohwell，nevermindwhatIsaw。
