Idon’tknowhowtodescribeit。PleaseaskBurcottoletmeofftheantequariancongress。IfeelIshoulddoitbadly。IamsothankfulhehasNOrelatives——inEngland。IshouldhavebeensoTERRIBLYnervous。TwelvehoursagoIcouldnothaveDREAMTofit，andnowIwalkontiptoeforfearofwakingup。DidIleavemychinchillaatyourrooms？Don’tbeangrywithme。IshouldhavetoldyouifIhadknown。Inhaste。Yours，Mary。\"
\"It’sdatedfromMaryleboneRoad，andyesterdayafternoonshedidleaveherchinchillainmyrooms，whichmakesmethinkitreallymustbefromMaryRamsbotham。OtherwiseIshouldhavemydoubts，\"
addedMissFossett，asshefoldeduptheletterandreplaceditinherbag。
\"Idislove！\"wastheexplanationofDr。WilliamSmith，hisround，redfaceilluminatedwithpoeticecstasy。\"Lovehasgonetoher——
hasdransformedheronceagainintotheleedlemaid。\"
\"Love，\"retortedSusanFossett，\"doesn’ttransformanintelligent，educatedwomanintoapersonwhowritesaletterallinjerks，underlineseveryotherword，spellsantiquarianwithan’e，’andBurcott’sname，whomshehasknownforthelasteightyears，withonlyone’t。’Thewomanhasgonestark，staringmad！\"
\"Wemustwaituntilwehaveseenhim，\"wasPeter’sjudiciousview。
\"Ishouldbesogladtothinkthatthedearladywashappy。\"
\"SoshouldI，\"addedMissFossettdrily。
\"OneofthemostsensiblewomenIhaveevermet，\"commentedWilliamClodd。\"Luckyman，whoeverheis。HalfwishI’dthoughtofitmyself。\"
\"Iamnotsayingthatheisn’t，\"retortedMissFossett。\"Itisn’thimI’mworryingabout。\"
\"Ipreesumeyoumean’he，’\"suggestedtheWeeLaddie。\"Theverb’tobe’——\"
\"Forgoodness’sake，\"suggestedMissFossetttoTommy，\"givethatmansomethingtoeatordrink。That’stheworstofpeoplewhotakeupgrammarlateinlife。Likeallconverts，theybecomefanatical。\"
\"She’sarippinggoodsort，isMaryRamsbotham，\"exclaimedGrindleyjunior，printerandpublisherofGoodHumour。\"Themarveltomeisthatnomanhithertohaseverhadthesensetowanther。\"
\"Oh，youmen！\"criedMissFossett。\"Aprettyfaceandanemptyheadisallyouwant。\"
\"Musttheyalwaysgotogether？\"laughedMrs。Grindleyjunior，neeHelvetiaAppleyard。
\"Exceptionsprovetherule，\"gruntedMissFossett。
\"Whatahappysayingthatis，\"smiledMrs。Grindleyjunior。\"I
wondersometimeshowconversationwasevercarriedonbeforeitwasinvented。\"
\"DemanwhowouldfallinlovewidourdearfrentMary，\"thoughtDr。Smith，\"hemustbequiteegsceptional。\"
\"Youneedn’ttalkaboutherasifshewasamonster——Imeanwere，\"
correctedherselfMissFossett，withahastyglancetowardstheWeeLaddie。\"Thereisn’tamanIknowthat’sworthyofher。\"
\"Imean，\"explainedthedoctor，\"dathemustbeamanofcharacter—
—ofbrain。Idisdenoblemandatisattractedbydenoblewoman。\"
\"Bythechorus—girlmoreoften，\"suggestedMissFossett。
\"Wemusthopeforthebest，\"counselledPeter。\"Icannotbelievethataclever，capablewomanlikeMaryRamsbothamwouldmakeafoolofherself。\"
\"FromwhatIhaveseen，\"repliedMissFossett，\"it’sjustthecleverpeople——asregardsthisparticularmatter——whodomakefoolsofthemselves。\"
UnfortunatelyMissFossett’sjudgmentprovedtobecorrect。OnbeingintroducedafortnightlatertoMissRamsbotham’sfiance，theimpulseofBohemiawastoexclaim，\"GreatScott！Whateverinthenameof——\"ThenoncatchingsightofMissRamsbotham’stransfiguredfaceandtremblinghandsBohemiarecollecteditselfintimetomurmurinstead：\"Delighted，I’msure！\"andtooffermechanicalcongratulations。ReginaldPeterswasaprettybutremarkablyfoolish—lookingladofabouttwo—and—twenty，withcurlyhairandrecedingchin;buttoMissRamsbothamevidentlyapromisingApollo。Herfirstmeetingwithhimhadtakenplaceatoneofthemanypoliticaldebatingsocietiestheninfashion，attendanceatwhichMissRamsbothamfoundusefulforpurposesofjournalistic\"copy。\"MissRamsbotham，hithertoaRadicalofpronouncedviews，hehadsucceededunderthreemonthsinconvertingintoastrongsupporteroftheGentlemanlyParty。Hisfeeblepoliticalplatitudes，whichalittlewhilebeforeshewouldhaveseizeduponmerrilytoridicule，shenowsatdrinkingin，herplainfacesuffusedwithadmiration。Awayfromhimandinconnectionwiththosesubjects——somewhatnumerous——aboutwhichheknewlittleandcaredless，sheretainedhersenseandhumour;butinhispresencesheremainedcomparativelyspeechless，gazingupintohissomewhatwateryeyeswiththegratefulexpressionofonelearningwisdomfromamaster。
Herabsurdadoration——irritatingbeyondmeasuretoherfriends，andwhicheventoherlover，hadhepossessedagrainofsense，wouldhaveappearedridiculous——toMasterPeterswasevidentlyagratification。Ofselfish，exactingnature，hemusthavefoundtheservicesofthisbrilliantwomanoftheworldofmuchpracticaladvantage。KnowingallthemostinterestingpeopleinLondon，itwasherprideandpleasuretointroducehimeverywhere。Herfriendsputupwithhimforhersake;topleasehermadehimwelcome，didtheirbesttolikehim，anddisguisedtheirfailure。
Thefreeentrytoaplacesofamusementsavedhislimitedpurse。
Herinfluence，hehadinstinctenoughtoperceive，couldnotfailtobeofusetohiminhisprofession：thatofabarrister。Shepraisedhimtoprominentsolicitors，tookhimtoteawithjudges’
wives，interestedexaminersonhisbehalf。Inreturnheoverlookedhermanydisadvantages，anddidnotfailtoletherknowit。MissRamsbotham’sgratitudewasboundless。
\"IdosowishIwereyoungerandbetterlooking，\"shesighedtothebosomfriend。\"Formyself，Idon’tmind;Ihavegotusedtoit。
ButitissohardonReggie。Hefeelsit，Iknowhedoes，thoughheneveropenlycomplains。\"
\"Hewouldbeacadifhedid，\"answeredSusanFossett，whohavingtriedconscientiouslyforamonthtotoleratethefellow，hadintheenddeclaredherinabilityeventodomorethanavoidopenexpressionofcordialdislike。\"AddedtowhichIdon’tquiteseeofwhatuseitwouldbe。Younevertoldhimyouwereyoungandpretty，didyou？\"
\"Itoldhim，mydear，\"repliedMissRamsbotham，\"theactualtruth。
Idon’twanttotakeanycreditfordoingso;itseemedthebestcourse。Yousee，unfortunately，Ilookmyage。Withmostmenitwouldhavemadeadifference。Youhavenoideahowgoodheis。Heassuredmehehadengagedhimselftomewithhiseyesopen，andthattherewasnoneedtodwelluponunpleasanttopics。Itissowonderfultomethatheshouldcareforme——hewhocouldhavehalfthewomeninLondonathisfeet。\"
\"Yes，he’sthetypethatwouldattractthem，Idaresay，\"agreedSusanFossett。\"Butareyouquitesurethathedoes？——careforyou，Imean。\"
\"Mydear，\"returnedMissRamsbotham，\"yourememberRochefoucauld’sdefinition。’Oneloves，theotherconsentstobeloved。’IfhewillonlyletmedothatIshallbecontent。ItismorethanIhadanyrighttoexpect。\"
\"Oh，youareafool，\"toldherbluntlyherbosomfriend。
\"IknowIam，\"admittedMissRamsbotham;\"butIhadnoideathatbeingafoolwassodelightful。\"
Bohemiagrewdaybydaymoreindignantandamazed。YoungPeterswasnotevenagentleman。Allthelittleofficesofcourtshiphelefttoher。Itwasshewhohelpedhimonwithhiscoat，andafterwardsadjustedherowncloak;shewhocarriedtheparcel，shewhofollowedintoandoutoftherestaurant。Onlywhenhethoughtanyonewaswatchingwouldhemakeanyattempttobehavetoherwithevenordinarycourtesy。Hebulliedher，contradictedherinpublic，ignoredheropenly。Bohemiafumedwithimpotentrage，yetwasboundtoconfessthatsofarasMissRamsbothamherselfwasconcernedhehaddonemoretomakeherhappythanhadeverallBohemiaputtogether。Atenderlighttookupitsdwellinginhereyes，whichforthefirsttimeitwasnoticedweresingularlydeepandexpressive。Theblood，ofwhichshepossessedifanythingtoomuch，nowcameandwent，sothathercheeks，inplaceoftheirinsistentred，tookonavariedpinkandwhite。Lifehadenteredherthickdarkhair，givingtoitshadeandshadow。
Thewomanbegantogrowyounger。Sheputonflesh。Sex，hithertodormant，begantoshowitself;femininitiespeepedout。Newtones，suggestingpossibilities，creptintohervoice。Bohemiacongratulateditselfthattheaffair，afterall，mightturnoutwell。
ThenMasterPetersspoiledeverythingbyshowingabettersidetohisnature，and，carelessofallworldlyconsiderations，fallinginlovehimself，honestly，withagirlatthebunshop。Hedidthebestthingunderthecircumstancesthathecouldhavedone：toldMissRamsbothamtheplaintruth，andleftthedecisioninherhands。
MissRamsbothamactedasanyonewhoknewherwouldhaveforetold。
Possibly，inthesilenceofherdelightfullittlefour—roomedflatoverthetailor’sshopinMaryleboneRoad，hersober，worthymaiddismissedforaholiday，shemayhaveshedsometears;but，ifso，notraceofthemwasallowedtomarthepeaceofmindofMr。
Peters。Shemerelythankedhimforbeingfrankwithher，andbyalittlepresentpainsavingthembothafutureofdisaster。Itwasquiteunderstandable;sheknewhehadneverreallybeeninlovewithher。Shehadthoughthimthetypeofmanthatneverdoesfallinlove，asthewordisgenerallyunderstood——MissRamsbothamdidnotadd，withanyoneexcepthimself——andhadthatbeenthecase，andhecontentmerelytobeloved，theymighthavebeenhappytogether。Asitwas——well，itwasfortunatehehadfoundoutthetruthbeforeitwastoolate。Now，wouldhetakeheradvice？
Mr。Peterswasgenuinelygrateful，aswellhemightbe，andwouldconsenttoanysuggestionthatMissRamsbothammightmake;felthehadbehavedshabbily，wasverymuchashamedofhimself，wouldbeguidedinallthingsbyMissRamsbotham，whomheshouldalwaysregardasthetruestoffriends，andsoon。
MissRamsbotham’ssuggestionwasthis：Mr。Peters，nomorerobustofbodythanofmind，hadbeenspeakingforsometimepastoftravel。Havingnothingtodonowbuttowaitforbriefs，whynottakethisopportunityofvisitinghisonlywell—to—dorelative，aCanadianfarmer。Meanwhile，letMissPeggyleavethebunshopandtakeupherresidenceinMissRamsbotham’sflat。Lettherebenoengagement——merelyanunderstanding。Thegirlwaspretty，charming，good，MissRamsbothamfeltsure;but——well，alittleeducation，alittletraininginmannersandbehaviourwouldnotbeamiss，wouldit？If，onreturningattheendofsixmonthsorayear，Mr。Peterswasstillofthesamemind，andPeggyalsowishful，theaffairwouldbeeasier，woulditnot？
Therefollowedfurtherexpressionsofeternalgratitude。MissRamsbothamsweptallsuchaside。Itwouldbepleasanttohaveabrightyounggirltolivewithher;teaching，mouldingsuchanonewouldbeapleasantoccupation。
AndthusitcametopassthatMr。ReginaldPetersdisappearedforawhilefromBohemia，totheregretofbutfew，andthereenteredintoitonePeggyNutcombe，asprettyachildasevergladdenedtheeyeofman。Shehadwavy，flaxenhair，acomplexionthatmighthavebeenmanufacturedfromtheessenceofwildroses，thenosethatTennysonbestowsuponhismiller’sdaughter，andamouthworthyoftheLowtherArcadeinitsdaysofglory。Addtothisthequickgraceofakitten，withtheappealinghelplessnessofababyinitsfirstshortfrock，andyouwillbeabletoforgiveMr。
ReginaldPetershisfaithlessness。Bohemialookedfromonetotheother——fromthefairytothewoman——andceasedtoblame。Thatthefairywasasstupidasacamel，asselfishasapig，andaslazyasaniggerBohemiadidnotknow;nor——solongasherfigureandcomplexionremainedwhatitwas——woulditsjudgmenthavebeeninfluenced，evenifithad。IspeakoftheBohemianmale。
Butthatisjustwhatherfigureandcomplexiondidnotdo。Mr。
ReginaldPeters，findinghisuncleold，feeble，andinclinedtobefond，deemedittohisadvantagetostaylongerthanhehadintended。Twelvemonthswentby。MissPeggywaslosingherkittenishgrace，wasbecominglumpy。Acoupleofpimples——oneneartheright—handcornerofherrosebudmouth，andanotherontheleft—handsideofhertip—tiltednose——marredherbabyface。Attheendofanothersixmonthsthemencalledherplump，andthewomenfat。Herwalkwasdegeneratingintoawaddle;stairscausedhertogrunt。Shetooktobreathingwithhermouth，andBohemianoticedthatherteethweresmall，badlycoloured，anduneven。Thepimplesgrewinsizeandnumber。Thecreamandwhiteofhercomplexionwasmergingintoageneralyellow。Acertaingreasinessofskinwasmanifestingitself。BabyishwaysinconnectionwithawomanwhomusthaveweighedaboutelevenstonestruckBohemiaasincongruous。Hermanners，judgedalone，hadimproved。Buttheyhadnotimprovedher。Theydidnotbelongtoher;theydidnotfither。TheysatonherasSundaybroadclothonayokel。Shehadlearnedtoemployher\"h’s\"correctly，andtospeakgoodgrammar。
Thisgavetoherconversationapainfullyartificialair。Thelittlelearningshehadabsorbedwassufficienttobestowuponheranangryconsciousnessofherowninvincibleignorance。
Meanwhile，MissRamsbothamhadcontinueduponhercourseofrejuvenation。Attwenty—nineshehadlookedthirty—five;atthirty—twoshelookednotadayolderthanfive—and—twenty。
Bohemiafeltthatshouldsheretrogradefurtheratthesamerateshewouldsoonhavetoshortenherfrocksandletdownherhair。A
nervousexcitabilityhadtakenpossessionofherthatwasplayingstrangefreaksnotonlywithherbody，butwithhermind。Whatitgavetotheoneitseemedtotakefromtheother。Oldfriends，accustomedtoenjoywithhertheluxuryofplainspeech，wonderedinvainwhattheyhaddonetooffendher。Herdesirewasnowtowardsnewfriends，newfaces。Hersenseofhumourappearedtobedepartingfromher;itbecameunsafetojestwithher。Ontheotherhand，sheshowedherselfgreedyforadmirationandflattery。
Herformerchumssteppedbackastonishedtowatchbrainlessyoungfopsmakingtheirwaywithherbycomplimentingheruponherblouse，orwhisperingtohersometritenonsenseabouthereyelashes。Fromherworkshetookagoodpercentageofherbrainpowertobestowitonherclothes。Ofcourse，shewassuccessful。
Herdressessuitedher，showedhertothebestadvantage。
Beautifulshecouldneverbe，andhadsenseenoughtoknowit;butacharming，distinguished—lookingwomanshehadalreadybecome。
Also，shewasonthehighroadtobecomingavain，egotistical，commonplacewoman。
Itwasduringtheprocessofthis，hermetamorphosis，thatPeterHopeoneeveningreceivedanotefromherannouncingherintentionofvisitinghimthenextmorningattheeditorialofficeofGoodHumour。Sheaddedinapostscriptthatshewouldprefertheinterviewtobeprivate。
PunctuallytothetimeappointedMissRamsbothamarrived。MissRamsbotham，contrarytohercustom，openedconversationwiththeweather。MissRamsbothamwasofopinionthattherewaseverypossibilityofrain。PeterHope’sexperiencewasthattherewasalwayspossibilityofrain。
\"HowisthePaperdoing？\"demandedMissRamsbotham。
ThePaper——forapapernotyettwoyearsold——wasdoingwell。\"Weexpectveryshortly——veryshortlyindeed，\"explainedPeterHope，\"toturnthecorner。\"
\"Ah！that’corner，’\"sympathisedMissRamsbotham。
\"Iconfess，\"smiledPeterHope，\"itdoesn’tseemtobeexactlyaright—angledcorner。Onereachesitasonethinks。Butittakessomegettinground——whatIshoulddescribeasacornerycorner。\"
\"Whatyouwant，\"thoughtMissRamsbotham，\"areoneortwopopularfeatures。\"
\"Popularfeatures，\"agreedPeterguardedly，scentingtemptation，\"arenottobedespised，providedonesteersclearofthevulgarandthecommonplace。\"
\"ALadies’Page！\"suggestedMissRamsbotham——\"apagethatshouldmakethewomanbuyit。Thewomen，believeme，aregoingtobeofmoreandmoreimportancetotheweeklypress。\"
\"Butwhyshouldshewantaspecialpagetoherself？\"demandedPeterHope。\"Whyshouldnotthepaperasawholeappealtoher？\"
\"Itdoesn’t，\"wasallMissRamsbothamcouldofferinexplanation。
\"Wegiveherliteratureandthedrama，poetry，fiction，thehigherpolitics，the——\"
\"Iknow，Iknow，\"interruptedMissRamsbotham，whooflate，amongotherfailingsnewtoher，haddevelopedatendencytowardsimpatience;\"butshegetsallthatinhalfadozenotherpapers。I
havethoughtitout。\"MissRamsbothamleanedfurtheracrosstheeditorialdeskandsunkhervoiceunconsciouslytoaconfidentialwhisper。\"Tellherthecomingfashions。Discussthequestionwhetherhatorbonnetmakesyoulooktheyounger。Tellherwhetherredhairorblackistobethenewcolour，whatsizewaistisbeingwornbythebestpeople。Oh，come！\"laughedMissRamsbothaminanswertoPeter’sshockedexpression;\"onecannotreformtheworldandhumannatureallatonce。Youmustappealtopeople’sfollyinordertogetthemtolistentoyourwisdom。Makeyourpaperasuccessfirst。Youcanmakeitapowerafterwards。\"
\"But，\"arguedPeter，\"therearealreadysuchpapers——papersdevotedto——tothatsortofthing，andtonothingelse。\"
\"Atsixpence！\"repliedthepracticalMissRamsbotham。\"Iamthinkingofthelowermiddle—classwomanwhohastwentypoundsayeartospendondress，andwhotakestwelvehoursadaytothinkaboutit，poorcreature。Mydearfriend，thereisafortuneinit。
Thinkoftheadvertisements。\"
PoorPetergroaned——oldPeter，thedreamerofdreams。ButforthoughtofTommy！onedaytobeleftalonetobattlewithastony—
eyed，deafworld，Petermostassuredlywouldhaveriseninhiswrath，wouldhavesaidtohisdistinguished—lookingtemptress，\"Gettheebehindme，MissRamsbotham。Myjournalisticinstinctwhisperstomethatyourscheme，judgedbythemammonofunrighteousness，isgood。Itisanewdeparture。TenyearshencehalftheLondonjournalswillhaveadoptedit。Thereismoneyinit。Butwhatofthat？ShallIformeredrosssellmyeditorialsoul，turnthetempleoftheMightyPenintoadenof——ofmilliners！Goodmorning，MissRamsbotham。Igrieveforyou。Igrieveforyouasforafellow—workeronceinspiredbydevotiontoanoblecalling，whohasfallenfromherhighestate。Goodmorning，madam。\"
SoPeterthoughtashesattattooingwithhisfinger—tipsuponthedesk;butonlysaid—
\"Itwouldhavetobewelldone。\"
\"Everythingwoulddependuponhowitwasdone，\"agreedMissRamsbotham。\"Badlydone，theideawouldbewasted。Youwouldbemerelygivingitawaytosomeotherpaper。\"
\"Doyouknowofanyone？\"queriedPeter。
\"Iwasthinkingofmyself，\"answeredMissRamsbotham。
\"Iamsorry，\"saidPeterHope。
\"Why？\"demandedMissRamsbotham。\"Don’tyouthinkIcoulddoit？\"
\"Ithink，\"saidPeter，\"noonecoulddoitbetter。Iamsorryyoushouldwishtodoit——thatisall。\"
\"Iwanttodoit，\"repliedMissRamsbotham，anoteofdoggednessinhervoice。
\"Howmuchdoyouproposetochargeme？\"Petersmiled。
\"Nothing。\"
\"Mydearlady——\"
\"Icouldnotinconscience，\"explainedMissRamsbotham，\"takepaymentfrombothsides。Iamgoingtomakeagooddealoutofit。
Iamgoingtomakeoutofitatleastthreehundredayear，andtheywillbegladtopayit。\"
\"Whowill？\"
\"Thedressmakers。IshallbeoneofthemoststylishwomeninLondon，\"laughedMissRamsbotham。
\"Youusedtobeasensiblewoman，\"Peterremindedher。
\"Iwanttolive。\"
\"Can’tyoumanagetodoitwithout——withoutbeingafool，mydear。\"
\"No，\"answeredMissRamsbotham，\"awomancan’t。I’vetriedit。\"
\"Verywell，\"agreedPeter，\"beitso。\"
Peterhadrisen。Helaidhisshapely，whiteoldhanduponthewoman’sshoulder。\"Tellmewhenyouwanttogiveitup。Ishallbeglad。\"
Thusitwasarranged。GoodHumourgainedcirculationand——ofmoreimportanceyet——advertisements;andMissRamsbotham，asshehadpredicted，thereputationofbeingoneofthebest—dressedwomeninLondon。HerreasonfordesiringsuchreputationPeterHopehadshrewdlyguessed。Twomonthslaterhissuspicionswereconfirmed。
Mr。ReginaldPeters，hisunclebeingdead，wasonhiswaybacktoEngland。
HisreturnwasawaitedwithimpatienceonlybytheoccupantsofthelittleflatintheMaryleboneRoad;andbetweenthesetwothedifferenceofsymptomwasmarked。MistressPeggy，toostupidtocomprehendthechangethathadbeentakingplaceinher，lookedforwardtoherlover’sarrivalwithdelight。Mr。ReginaldPeters，independentlyofhisprofession，wasinconsequenceofhisuncle’sdeathamanofmeans。MissRamsbotham’stutelage，whichhadalwaysbeendistastefultoher，wouldnowbeatanend。Shewouldbea\"lady\"inthetruesenseoftheword——accordingtoMissPeggy’sdefinition，awomanwithnothingtodobuteatanddrink，andnothingtothinkofbutdress。MissRamsbotham，ontheotherhand，whomighthaveanticipatedthehome—comingofherquondamadmirerwithhope，exhibitedastrangeconditionofalarmedmisery，whichincreasedfromdaytodayasthedatedrewnearer。
Themeeting——whetherbydesignoraccidentwasneverknown——tookplaceataneveningpartygivenbytheproprietorsofanewjournal。ThecircumstancewascertainlyunfortunateforpoorPeggy，whomBohemiabegantopity。Mr。Peters，knowingbothwomenwouldbethereandsoonthelook—out，sawinthedistanceamongthecrowdofnotabilitiesasuperblymillinered，tall，gracefulwoman，whosefacerecalledsensationshecouldnotforthemomentplace。Chieflynoticeableaboutherwereherexquisiteneckandarms，andtheairofperfectbreedingwithwhichshemoved，talkingandlaughing，throughthedistinguished，fashionablethrong。
Besideherstrutted，nervouslyaggressive，avulgar，fat，pimply，shapelessyoungwoman，attractinguniversalattentionbytheincongruityofherpresenceintheroom。Onbeinggreetedbythegracefulladyoftheneckandarms，theconvictionforceditselfuponhimthatthiscouldbenootherthantheonceMissRamsbotham，plainoffaceandindifferentofdress，whoseveryappearancehehadalmostforgotten。Onbeinggreetedgushinglyas\"Reggie\"bythesallow—complexioned，over—dressedyoungwomanhebowedwithevidentastonishment，andapologisedforamemorythat，soheassuredthelady，hadalwaysbeentohimasourceofdespair。
Ofcourse，hethankedhisstars——andMissRamsbotham——thattheengagementhadneverbeenformal。SofarasMr。Peterswasconcerned，therewasanendtoMistressPeggy’sdreamofanexistenceofeverlastingbreakfastsinbed。LeavingtheRamsbothamflat，shereturnedtothematernalroof，andthereacourseofhardworkandplainlivingtendedgreatlytoimproveherfigureandcomplexion;sothatincourseoftime，thegodssmilingagainuponher，shemarriedaforemanprinter，andpassesoutofthisstory。
Meanwhile，Mr。ReginaldPeters——older，andthepossessor，perhaps，ofmoresense——lookedatMissRamsbothamwithneweyes，andnownottoleratedbutdesiredher。Bohemiawaitedtoassistatthehappyterminationofaprettyandsomewhatnovelromance。MissRamsbothamhadshownnosignofbeingattractedelsewhere。
Flattery，compliment，shecontinuedtowelcome;butmerely，soitseemed，asfavourablecriticism。Suitorsmorefitandproperwerenownotlacking，forMissRamsbotham，thoughawomanlessdesirablewhenwon，camereadilytothethoughtofwooing。Buttoallsuchsheturnedalaughingface。
\"Ilikeherforit，\"declaredSusanFossett;\"andhehasimproved——
therewasroomforit——thoughIwishitcouldhavebeensomeother。
TherewasJackHerring——itwouldhavebeensomuchmoresuitable。
OrevenJoe，inspiteofhissize。Butit’sherwedding，notours;
andshewillnevercareforanyoneelse。\"
AndBohemiaboughtitspresents，andhadthemready，butnevergavethem。AfewmonthslaterMr。ReginaldPetersreturnedtoCanada，abachelor。MissRamsbothamexpressedherdesireforanotherprivateinterviewwithPeterHope。
\"ImayaswellkeepontheLettertoClorinda，\"thoughtMissRamsbotham。\"Ihavegotintotheknackofit。ButIwillgetyoutopaymeforitintheordinaryway。\"
\"Iwouldratherhavedonesofromthebeginning，\"explainedPeter。
\"Iknow。Icouldnotinconscience，asItoldyou，takefrombothsides。Forthefuture——well，theyhavesaidnothing;butIexpecttheyarebeginningtogettiredofit。\"
\"Andyou！\"questionedPeter。
\"Yes。Iamtiredofitmyself，\"laughedMissRamsbotham。\"Lifeisn’tlongenoughtobeawell—dressedwoman。\"
\"Youhavedonewithallthat？\"
\"Ihopeso，\"answeredMissRamsbotham。
\"Anddon’twanttotalkanymoreaboutit？\"suggestedPeter。
\"Notjustatpresent。Ishouldfinditsodifficulttoexplain。\"
Byothers，lesssympatheticthanoldPeter，vigorousattemptsweremadetosolvethemystery。MissRamsbothamtookenjoymentincleverlyevadingthesetormentors。Thwartedateverypoint，thegossipsturnedtootherthemes。MissRamsbothamfoundinterestonceagaininthehigherbranchesofhercalling;becameagain，byslowdegrees，thesensible，frank，’goodsort’thatBohemiahadknown，liked，respected——everythingbutloved。
Yearslater，toSusanFossett，thecasewasmadeclear;andthroughSusanFossett，aniceenoughwomanbuttalkative，thosefewstillinterestedlearnedtheexplanation。
\"Love，\"saidMissRamsbothamtothebosomfriend，\"isnotregulatedbyreason。Asyousay，thereweremanymenImighthavemarriedwithmuchmorehopeofhappiness。ButInevercaredforanyotherman。Hewasnotintellectual，wasegotistical，possiblyenoughselfish。Themanshouldalwaysbeolderthanthewoman;hewasyounger，andhewasaweakcharacter。YetIlovedhim。\"
\"Iamgladyoudidn’tmarryhim，\"saidthebosomfriend。
\"SoamI，\"agreedMissRamsbotham。
\"Ifyoucan’ttrustme，\"hadsaidthebosomfriendatthispoint，\"don’t。\"
\"Imeanttodoright，\"saidMissRamsbotham，\"uponmywordofhonourIdid，inthebeginning。\"
\"Idon’tunderstand，\"saidthebosomfriend。
\"Ifshehadbeenmyownchild，\"continuedMissRamsbotham，\"Icouldnothavedonemore——inthebeginning。Itriedtoteachher，toputsomesenseintoher。Lord！thehoursIwastedonthatlittleidiot！Imarvelatmyownpatience。Shewasnothingbutananimal。Ananimal！shehadonlyananimal’svices。Toeatanddrinkandsleepwasherideaofhappiness;heroneambitionmaleadmiration，andshehadn’tcharacterenoughtoputsufficientcurbuponherstomachtoretainit。Ireasonedwithher，Ipleadedwithher，Ibulliedher。HadIpersistedImighthavesucceededbysheerphysicalandmentalstrengthinrestrainingherfromruiningherself。Iwaswinning。Ihadmadeherfrightenedofme。HadI
goneon，Imighthavewon。Bydraggingheroutofbedinthemorning，byinsistinguponhertakingexercise，byregulatingeveryparticleoffoodanddrinksheputintohermouth，Ikeptthelittlebeastingoodconditionfornearlythreemonths。Then，I
hadtogoawayintothecountryforafewdays;shesworeshewouldobeymyinstructions。WhenIcamebackIfoundshehadbeeninbedmostofthetime，andhadbeenlivingchieflyonchocolateandcakes。Shewascurledupasleepinaneasy—chair，snoringwithhermouthwideopen，whenIopenedthedoor。Andatsightofthatpicturethedevilcametomeandtemptedme。WhyshouldIwastemytime，wearmyselfoutinmindandbody，thatthemanIlovedshouldmarryapigbecauseitlookedlikeanangel？’Sixmonths’
wallowingaccordingtoitsowndesireswouldrevealitinitstrueshape。SofromthatdayIleftittoitself。No，worsethanthat—
—Idon’twanttosparemyself——Iencouragedher。Iletherhaveafireinherbedroom，andhalfhermealsinbed。Iletherhavechocolatewithtablespoonfulsofcreamfloatingonthetop：shelovedit。Shewasneverreallyhappyexceptwheneating。Iletherorderherownmeals。Itookafiendishdelightwatchingthedaintylimbsturningtoshapelessfat，thepink—and—whitecomplexiongrowingblotchy。Itisfleshthatmanloves;brainandmindandheartandsoul！heneverthinksofthem。Thislittlepink—and—whitesowcouldhavecutmeoutwithSolomonhimself。Whyshouldsuchcreatureshavetheworldarrangedforthem，andwenotbeallowedtouseourbrainsinourowndefence？Butformylooking—glassImighthaveresistedthetemptation，butIalwayshadsomethingofthemaninme：thesportofthethingappealedtome。IsupposeitwasthenervousexcitementunderwhichIwaslivingthatwaschangingme。Allmysapwasgoingintomybody。
Givensufficienttime，Imightmeetherwithherownweapons，animalagainstanimal。Well，youknowtheresult：Iwon。Therewasnodoubtabouthisbeinginlovewithme。Hiseyeswouldfollowmeroundtheroom，feastingonme。Ihadbecomeafineanimal。Mendesiredme，DoyouknowwhyIrefusedhim？HewasineverywayabettermanthanthesillyboyIhadfalleninlovewith;buthecamebackwithacoupleoffalseteeth：Isawthegoldsettingonedaywhenheopenedhismouthtolaugh。Idon’tsayforamoment，mydear，thereisnosuchthingaslove——lovepure，ennobling，worthyofmenandwomen，itsrootsintheheartandnowhereelse。ButthatloveIhadmissed;andtheother！I
sawitinitstruelight。Ihadfalleninlovewithhimbecausehewasapretty，curly—headedboy。HehadfalleninlovewithPeggywhenshewaspink—and—whiteandslim。Ishallalwaysseethelookthatcameintohiseyeswhenshespoketohimatthehotel，thelookofdisgustandloathing。Thegirlwasthesame;itwasonlyherbodythathadgrownolder。Icouldseehiseyesfixeduponmyarmsandneck。Ihadgottogrowoldintime，brownskinned，andwrinkled。Ithoughtofhim，growingbald，fat——\"
\"Ifyouhadfalleninlovewiththerightman，\"hadsaidSusanFossett，\"thoseideaswouldnothavecometoyou。\"
\"Iknow，\"saidMissRamsbotham。\"Hewillhavetolikemethinandintheseclothes，justbecauseIamnice，andgoodcompany，andhelpful。ThatisthemanIamwaitingfor。\"
Henevercamealong。Acharming，bright—eyed，white—hairedladyoccupiesalonealittleflatintheMaryleboneRoad，looksinoccasionallyattheWriters’Club。SheisstillMissRamsbotham。
Bald—headedgentlemenfeelyoungagaintalkingtoher：sheissosympathetic，sobig—minded，sounderstanding。Then，hearingtheclockstrike，tearthemselvesfromherwithasigh，andreturnhome——someofthem——tostupidshrewishwives。
STORYTHEFIFTH：JoeyLoveredgeagrees——oncertainterms——tojointheCompanyThemostpopularmemberoftheAutolycusClubwasundoubtedlyJosephLoveredge。Small，chubby，clean—shaven，hissomewhatlongish，soft，brownhairpartedinthemiddle，strangersfellintotheerrorofassuminghimtobeyoungerthanhereallywas。Itisonrecordthataleadingladynovelist——acceptingheratherownestimate——irritatedbyhispolitebutfirmrefusaltoallowherentranceintohisowneditorialofficewithoutappointment，hadonceboxedhisears，undertheimpressionthathewashisownoffice—boy。GueststotheAutolycusClub，onbeingintroducedtohim，wouldgivetohimkindmessagestotakehometohisfather，withwhomtheyrememberedhavingbeenatschooltogether。Thissortofthingmighthaveannoyedanyonewithlesssenseofhumour。
JosephLoveredgewouldtellsuchstorieshimself，keenlyenjoyingthejest——wasevensuspectedofinventingsomeofthemoreimprobable。AnotherfacttendingtothepopularityofJosephLoveredgeamongallclasses，overandabovehisamiability，hiswit，hisgenuinekindliness，andhisnever—failingfundofgoodstories，wasthatbycareandinclinationhehadsucceededinremainingabachelor。Manyhadbeentheattemptstocapturehim;
norwiththepassingoftheyearshadinterestinthesportshownanysignofdiminution。Welloverthefrailtiesanddistemperssodangeroustoyouth，ofstaidandsoberhabits，withanever—
increasingcapitalinvestedinsoundsecurities，togetherwithanever—increasingincomefromhispen，withatastefullyfurnishedhouseoverlookingRegent’sPark，anexcellentanddevotedcookandhouse—keeper，andrelativesmostlysettledintheColonies，JosephLoveredge，thoughinexperiencedgirlsmightpasshimbywithacontemptuoussniff，wasrecognisedbyladiesofmaturerjudgmentasaprizenottoooftendangledbeforetheeyesofspinsterhood。Oldfoxes——soweareassuredbykind—heartedcountrygentlemen——ratherenjoythanotherwiseadaywiththehounds。Howeverthatmaybe，certainitisthatJosephLoveredge，confidentofhimself，onepresumes，showednoparticulardisinclinationtothechase。
Perhapsonthewholehepreferredthesocietyofhisownsex，withwhomhecouldlaughandjestwithmorefreedom，towhomhecouldtellhisstoriesastheycametohimwithoutthetroubleofhavingtoturnthemoverfirstinhisownmind;but，ontheotherhand，Joeymadenoattempttoavoidfemalecompanywheneveritcamehisway;andthennocavaliercouldrenderhimselfmoreagreeable，moreunobtrusivelyattentive。Youngermenstoodby，inenviousadmirationoftheeasewithwhichinfiveminuteshewouldestablishhimselfontermsofcosyfriendshipwiththebrilliantbeautybeforewhosegraciouscoldnesstheyhadstoodshiveringformonths;thedaringwithwhichhewouldtuckunderhisarm，sotospeak，theprettiestgirlintheroom，smoothdownasifbymagicherhundredprickles，andteaseheroutofheroverwhelmingsenseofherownself—importance。Thesecretofhissuccesswas，probably，thathewasnotafraidofthem。Desiringnothingfromthembeyondcompanionableness，areasonableamountofappreciationforhisjokes——whichwithoutbeingexceptionallystupidtheywouldhavefounditdifficulttowithhold——withjustsufficientinformationandintelligencetomakeconversationinteresting，therewasnothingabouthimbywhichtheycouldlayholdofhim。
Ofcourse，thatrenderedthemparticularlyanxioustolayholdofhim。Joseph’sladyfriendsmight，roughlyspeaking，bedividedintotwogroups：theunmarried，whowantedtomarryhimtothemselves;andthemarried，whowantedtomarryhimtosomebodyelse。Itwouldbeasocialdisaster，thelatterhadagreedamongthemselves，ifJosephLoveredgeshouldneverwed。
\"HewouldmakesuchanexcellenthusbandforpoorBridget。\"
\"OrGladys。IwonderhowoldGladysreallyis？\"
\"Suchanice，kindlittleman。\"
\"AndwhenonethinksofthesortofmenthatAREmarried，itdoesseemsuchapity！\"
\"Iwonderwhyheneverhasmarried，becausehe’sjustthesortofmanyou’dthinkWOULDhavemarried。\"
\"Iwonderifheeverwasinlove。\"
\"Oh，mydear，youdon’tmeantotellmethatamanhasreachedtheageoffortywithouteverbeinginlove！\"
Theladieswouldsigh。
\"Idohopeifeverhedoesmarry，itwillbesomebodynice。Menaresoeasilydeceived。\"
\"Ishouldn’tbesurprisedmyselfabitifsomethingcameofitwithBridget。She’sadeargirl，Bridget——sogenuine。\"
\"Well，Ithinkmyself，dear，ifit’sanyone，it’sGladys。IshouldbesogladtoseepoordearGladyssettled。\"
Theunmarriedkepttheirthoughtsmoretothemselves。Eachone，uponreflection，sawgroundforthinkingthatJosephLoveredgehadgivenproofoffeelingpreferenceforherself。Theirritatingthingwasthat，onfurtherreflection，itwasequallyclearthatJosephLoveredgehadshownsignsofpreferringmostoftheothers。
MeanwhileJosephLoveredgewentundisturbeduponhisway。Ateighto’clockinthemorningJoseph’shousekeeperenteredtheroomwithacupofteaandadrybiscuit。Ateight—fifteenJosephLoveredgearoseandperformedcomplicatedexercisesonanindiarubberpulley，warranted，ifperseveredin，tobestowgraceuponthefigureandelasticityuponthelimbs。JosephLoveredgeperseveredsteadily，andhaddonesoforyears，andwashimselfcontentedwiththeresult，which，seeingitconcernednobodyelse，wasallthatcouldbedesired。Athalf—pasteightonMondays，Wednesdays，andFridays，JosephLoveredgebreakfastedononecupoftea，brewedbyhimself;oneegg，boiledbyhimself;andtwopiecesoftoast，thefirstonespreadwithmarmalade，thesecondwithbutter。OnTuesdays，Thursdays，andSaturdaysJosephLoveredgediscardedeggsandatearasherofbacon。OnSundaysJosephLoveredgehadbotheggsandbacon，butthenallowedhimselfhalfanhourlongerforreadingthepaper。Atnine—thirtyJosephLoveredgeleftthehousefortheofficeoftheold—establishedjournalofwhichhewastheincorruptibleandhonouredCityeditor。Atone—forty—five，havinglefthisofficeatone—thirty，JosephLoveredgeenteredtheAutolycusClubandsatdowntolunch。EverythingelseinJoseph’slifewasarrangedwithsimilarpreciseness，sofaraswaspossiblewiththedutiesofaCityeditor。MondayeveningJosephspentwithmusicalfriendsatBrixton。FridaywasJoseph’stheatrenight。OnTuesdaysandThursdayshewasopentoreceiveinvitationsouttodinner;onWednesdaysandSaturdaysheinvitedfourfriendstodinewithhimatRegent’sPark。OnSundays，whatevertheseason，JosephLoveredgetookanexcursionintothecountry。Hehadhisregularhoursforreading，hisregularhoursforthinking。WhetherinFleetStreet，ortheTyrol，ontheThames，orintheVatican，youmightrecognisehimfromafarbyhisgreyfrock—coat，hispatent—
leatherboots，hisbrownfelthat，hislavendertie。Themanwasabornbachelor。WhenthenewsofhisengagementcreptthroughthesmokyportalsoftheAutolycusClubnobodybelievedit。
\"Impossible！\"assertedJackHerring。\"I’veknownJoey’slifeforfifteenyears。Everyfiveminutesisarrangedfor。Hecouldneverhavefoundthetimetodoit。\"
\"Hedoesn’tlikewomen，notinthatway;I’veheardhimsayso，\"
explainedAlexanderthePoet。\"HisopinionisthatwomenaretheartistsofSociety——delightfulasentertainers，buttroublesometolivewith。\"
\"Icalltomind，\"saidtheWeeLaddie，\"astoryhetoldmeinthisverraroom，barelythreemonthsagone：SomehalfadozenofthemweregonghometogetherfromtheDevonshire。Theyhadhadajoyousevening，andoneofthem——Joeydidnotnoticewhich——suggestedtheirdroppinginathisplacejustforafinalwhisky。Theywerelaughingandtalkinginthedining—room，whentheirhostesssuddenlyappeareduponthesceneinacostume——soJoeydescribedit——thecharmofwhichwasitsvariety。Shewasanice—lookingwoman，Joeysaid，buttalkedtoomuch;andwhenthefirstlulloccurred，Joeyturnedtothemansittingnighesttohim，andwholookedbored，andsuggestedinawhisperthatitwasabouttimetheywent。
\"’Perhapsyouhadbettergo，’assentedthebored—lookingman。
’WishIcouldcomewithyou;but，yousee，Ilivehere。’\"
\"Idon’tbelieveit，\"saidSomervilletheBriefless。\"He’sbeencrackinghisjokes，andsomesillywomanhastakenhimseriously。\"
Buttherumourgrewintoreport，developeddetail，lostallcharm，expandedintoplainrecitaloffact。JoeyhadnotbeenseenwithintheClubformorethanaweek——initselfadeadlyconfirmation。
Thequestionbecame：Whowasshe——whatwasshelike？
\"It’snoneofourset，orweshouldhaveheardsomethingfromhersidebeforenow，\"arguedacutelySomervilletheBriefless。
\"Somebeastlykidwhowillinviteustodancesandforgetthesupper，\"fearedJohnnyBulstrode，commonlycalledtheBabe。\"Oldmenalwaysfallinlovewithyounggirls。\"
\"Forty，\"explainedseverelyPeterHope，editorandpartproprietorofGoodHumour，\"isnotold。\"
\"Well，itisn’tyoung，\"persistedJohnny。
\"Goodthingforyou，Johnny，ifitisagirl，\"thoughtJackHerring。\"Somebodyforyoutoplaywith。Ioftenfeelsorryforyou，havingnobodybutgrown—uppeopletotalkto。\"
\"Theydogetabitstodgyafteracertainage，\"agreedtheBabe。
\"Iamhoping，\"saidPeter，\"itwillbesomesensible，pleasantwoman，alittleoverthirty。Heisadearfellow，Loveredge;andfortyisaverygoodageforamantomarry。\"
\"Well，ifI’mnotmarriedbeforeI’mforty——\"saidtheBabe。
\"Oh，don’tyoufret，\"JackHerringinterruptedhim——\"aprettyboylikeyou！Wewillgiveaballnextseason，andbringyouout，ifyou’regood——getyouoffourhandsinnotime。\"
ItwasAugust。JoeywentawayforhisholidaywithoutagainenteringtheClub。Thelady’snamewasHenriettaElizabethDoone。
ItwassaidbytheMorningPostthatshewasconnectedwiththeDoonesofGloucestershire。
DoonesofGloucestershire——DoonesofGloucestershiremusedMissRamsbotham，Societyjournalist，whowrotetheweeklyLettertoClorinda，discussingthematterwithPeterHopeintheeditorialofficeofGoodHumour。\"KnewaDoonwhokeptabigsecond—handstoreinEustonRoadandcalledhimselfanauctioneer。HeboughtasmallplaceinGloucestershireandaddedan’e’tohisname。
Wonderifit’sthesame？\"
\"IhadacatcalledElizabethonce，\"saidPeterHope。
\"Idon’tseewhatthat’sgottodowithit。\"
\"No，ofcoursenot，\"agreedPeter。\"ButIwasratherfondofit。
Itwasaquaintsortofanimal，consideredasacat——wouldneverspeaktoanothercat，andhatedbeingoutafterteno’clockatnight。\"
\"Whathappenedtoit？\"demandedMissRamsbotham。
\"Felloffaroof，\"sighedPeterHope。\"Wasn’tusedtothem。\"
Themarriagetookplaceabroad，attheEnglishChurchatMontreux。
Mr。andMrs。LoveredgereturnedattheendofSeptember。TheAutolycusClubsubscribedtosendapresentofapunch—bowl，leftcards，andwaitedwithcuriositytoseethebride。Butnoinvitationarrived。NorforamonthwasJoeyhimselfseenwithintheClub。Then，onefoggyafternoon，wakingafteradoze，withacoldcigarinhismouth，JackHerringnoticedhewasnottheonlyoccupantofthesmoking—room。Inafarcorner，nearawindow，satJosephLoveredgereadingamagazine。JackHerringrubbedhiseyes，thenroseandcrossedtheroom。
\"Ithoughtatfirst，\"explainedJackHerring，recountingtheincidentlaterintheevening，\"thatImustbedreaming。Therehesat，drinkinghisfiveo’clockwhisky—and—soda，thesameJoeyLoveredgeIhadknownforfifteenyears;yetnotthesame。Notafeaturealtered，notahaironhisheadchanged，yetthewholefacewasdifferent;thesamebody，thesameclothes，butanotherman。
Wetalkedforhalfanhour;herememberedeverythingthatJoeyLoveredgehadknown。Icouldn’tunderstandit。Then，astheclockstruck，andherose，sayinghemustbehomeathalf—pastfive，theexplanationsuddenlyoccurredtome：JOEYLOVEREDGEWASDEAD;THIS
WASAMARRIEDMAN。\"
\"Wedon’twantyourfeebleeffortsatpsychologicalromance，\"toldhimSomervilletheBriefless。\"Wewanttoknowwhatyoutalkedabout。Deadormarried，themanwhocandrinkwhisky—and—sodamustbeheldresponsibleforhisactions。What’sthelittlebeggarmeanbycuttingusallinthisway？Didheaskafteranyofus？Didheleaveanymessageforanyofus？Didheinviteanyofustocomeanseehim？\"
\"Yes，hedidaskafternearlyeverybody;Iwascomingtothat。Buthedidn’tleaveanymessage。Ididn’tgatherthathewaspiningforoldrelationshipswithanyofus。\"
\"Well，Ishallgoroundtotheofficeto—morrowmorning，\"saidSomervilletheBriefless，\"andforcemywayinifnecessary。Thisisgettingmysterious。\"
ButSomervillereturnedonlytopuzzletheAutolycusClubstillfurther。Joeyhadtalkedabouttheweather，thestateofpoliticalparties，hadreceivedwithunfeignedinterestallgossipconcerninghisoldfriends;butabouthimself，hiswife，nothinghadbeengleaned。Mrs。Loveredgewaswell;Mrs。Loveredge’srelationswerealsowell。ButatpresentMrs。Loveredgewasnotreceiving。
MembersoftheAutolycusClubwithtimeupontheirhandstookupthebusinessofprivatedetectives。Mrs。Loveredgeturnedouttobeahandsome，well—dressedladyofaboutthirty，asPeterHopehaddesired。Ateleveninthemorning，Mrs。LoveredgeshoppedintheneighbourhoodoftheHampsteadRoad。Intheafternoon，Mrs。
Loveredge，inahiredcarriage，wouldslowlypromenadethePark，looking，itwasnoticed，withintenseinterestattheoccupantsofothercarriagesastheypassed，butevidentlyhavingnoacquaintancesamongthem。Thecarriage，asageneralrule，wouldcallatJoey’sofficeatfive，andMr。andMrs。Loveredgewoulddrivehome。JackHerring，astheoldestfriend，urgedbytheothermembers，tookthebullbythehornsandcalledboldly。OnneitheroccasionwasMrs。Loveredgeathome。
\"I’mdamnedifIgoagain！\"saidJack。\"Shewasinthesecondtime，Iknow。Iwatchedherintothehouse。Confoundthestuck—uppairofthem！\"
Bewildermentgaveplacetoindignation。NowandagainJoeywouldcreep，amentalshadowofhisformerself，intotheClubwhereonceeverymemberwouldhaverisenwithasmiletogreethim。Theygavehimcurtanswersandturnedawayfromhim。PeterHopeoneafternoonfoundhimtherealone，standingwithhishandsinhispocketslookingoutofwindow。Peterwasfifty，sohesaid，maybealittleolder;menoffortyweretohimmereboys。SoPeter，whohatedmysteries，steppedforwardwithadeterminedairandclappedJoeyontheshoulder。
\"Iwanttoknow，Joey，\"saidPeter，\"IwanttoknowwhetherIamtogoonlikingyou，orwhetherI’vegottothinkpoorlyofyou。Outwithit。\"
JoeyturnedtohimafacesofullofmiserythatPeter’sheartwastouched。\"Youcan’ttellhowwretcheditmakesme，\"saidJoey。\"I
didn’tknowitwaspossibletofeelsouncomfortableasIhavefeltduringtheselastthreemonths。\"
\"It’sthewife，Isuppose？\"suggestedPeter。
\"She’sadeargirl。Sheonlyhasonefault。\"
\"It’saprettybigone，\"returnedPeter。\"IshouldtryandbreakherofitifIwereyou。\"
\"Breakherofit！\"criedthelittleman。\"Youmightaswelladvisemetobreakabrickwallwithmyhead。Ihadnoideawhattheywerelike。Ineverdreamtit。\"
\"Butwhatisherobjectiontous？Weareclean，wearefairlyintelligent——\"
\"MydearPeter，doyouthinkIhaven’tsaidallthat，andahundredthingsmore？Awoman！shegetsanideaintoherhead，andeveryargumentagainstithammersitinfurther。ShehasgainedhernotionofwhatshecallsBohemiafromthecomicjournals。It’sourownfault，wehavedoneitourselves。There’snopersuadingherthatit’salibel。\"
\"Won’tsheseeafewofus——judgeforherself？There’sPorson——whyPorsonmighthavebeenabishop。OrSomerville——Somerville’sOxfordaccentiswastedhere。Ithasnochance。\"
\"Itisn’tonlythat，\"explainedJoey;\"shehasambitions，socialambitions。Shethinksthatifwebeginwiththewrongset，we’llnevergetintotheright。Wehavethreefriendsatpresent，and，sofarasIcansee，areneverlikelytohaveanymore。Mydearboy，you’dneverbelievetherecouldexistsuchbores。There’samanandhiswifenamedHolyoake。TheydinewithusonThursdays，andwedinewiththemonTuesdays。TheironlytitletoexistenceconsistsintheirhavingacousinintheHouseofLords;theyclaimnootherrightthemselves。Heisawidower，gettingonforeighty。
Apparentlyhe’stheonlyrelativetheyhave，andwhenhedies，theytalkofretiringintothecountry。There’safellownamedCutler，whovisitedonceatMarlboroughHouseinconnectionwithacharity。
You’dthinktolistentohimthathehaddesignsuponthethrone。
Themosttiresomeofthemallisanoisywomanwho，asfarasIcanmakeout，hasn’tanynameatall。’MissMontgomery’isonhercards，butthatisonlywhatshecallsherself。Whoshereallyis！
ItwouldshakethefoundationsofEuropeansocietyifknown。Wesitandtalkaboutthearistocracy;wedon’tseemtoknowanybodyelse。Itriedononeoccasionalittlesarcasmasacorrective——
recountedconversationsbetweenmyselfandthePrinceofWales，inwhichIinvariablyaddressedhimas’Teddy。’Itsoundstall，I
know，butthosepeopletookitin。Iwastooastonishedtoundeceivethematthetime，theconsequenceisIamasortoflittlegodtothem。Theycomeroundmeandaskformore。WhatamItodo？Iamhelplessamongthem。I’veneverhadanythingtodobeforewiththereallyfirst—prizeidiot;theusualtype，ofcourse，oneknows，butthese，ifyouhaven’tmetthem，areinconceivable。Itryinsultingthem;theydon’tevenknowIaminsultingthem。Shortofdraggingthemoutoftheirchairsandkickingthemroundtheroom，Idon’tseehowtomakethemunderstandit。\"
\"AndMrs。Loveredge？\"askedthesympatheticPeter，\"isshe——\"
\"Betweenourselves，\"saidJoey，sinkinghisvoicetoaneedlesswhisper，seeingheandPeterwerethesoleoccupantsofthesmoking—room——\"Icouldn’t，ofcourse，sayittoayoungerman——butbetweenourselves，mywifeisacharmingwoman。Youdon’tknowher。\"
\"Doesn’tseemmuchchanceofmyeverdoingso，\"laughedPeter。
\"Sograceful，sodignified，so——soqueenly，\"continuedthelittleman，withrisingenthusiasm。\"Shehasonlyonefault——shehasnosenseofhumour。\"
ToPeter，asithasbeensaid，menoffortyweremereboys。
\"Mydearfellow，whatevercouldhaveinducedyou——\"
\"Iknow——Iknowallthat，\"interruptedthemereboy。\"Naturearrangesitonpurpose。Tallandsolemnprigsmarrylittlewomenwithturned—upnoses。Cheerfullittlefellowslikemyself——wemarryserious，statelywomen。Ifitwereotherwise，thehumanracewouldbesplitupintospecies。\"
\"Ofcourse，ifyouwereactuatedbyasenseofpublicduty——\"
\"Don’tbeafool，PeterHope，\"returnedthelittleman。\"I’minlovewithmywifejustassheis，andalwaysshallbe。Iknowthewomanwithasenseofhumour，andofthetwoIprefertheonewithout。TheJunotypeismyideal。Imusttaketheroughwiththesmooth。Onecan’thaveajolly，chirpyJuno，andwouldn’tcareforherifonecould。\"
\"Thenareyougoingtogiveupallyouroldfriends？\"
\"Don’tsuggestit，\"pleadedthelittleman。\"Youdon’tknowhowmiserableitmakesme——themereidea。Tellthemtobepatient。
Thesecretofdealingwithwomen，Ihavefound，istodonothingrashly。\"Theclockstruckfive。\"Imustgonow，\"saidJoey。
\"Don’tmisjudgeher，Peter，anddon’tlettheothers。She’sadeargirl。You’lllikeher，allofyou，whenyouknowher。Adeargirl！Sheonlyhasthatonefault。\"
Joeywentout。
PeterdidhisbestthateveningtoexplainthetruepositionofaffairswithoutimputingsnobberytoMrs。Loveredge。Itwasadifficulttask，andPetercannotbesaidtohaveaccomplisheditsuccessfully。AngerandindignationagainstJoeygaveplacetopity。ThemembersoftheAutolycusClubalsoexperiencedalittleirritationontheirownaccount。
\"Whatdoesthewomantakeusfor？\"demandedSomervilletheBriefless。\"Doesn’tsheknowthatwelunchwithrealactorsandactresses，thatonceayearweareinvitedtodineattheMansionHouse？\"
\"Hassheneverheardofthearistocracyofgenius？\"demandedAlexanderthePoet。
\"Theexplanationmaybethatpossiblyshehasseenit，\"fearedtheWeeLaddie。
\"Oneofusoughttowaylaythewoman，\"arguedtheBabe——\"insistuponhertalkingtohimfortenminutes。I’vehalfamindtodoitmyself。\"
JackHerringsaidnothing——seemedthoughtful。
ThenextmorningJackHerring，stillthoughtful，calledattheeditorialofficesofGoodHumour，inCraneCourt，andborrowedMissRamsbotham’sDebrett。ThreedayslaterJackHerringinformedtheClubcasuallythathehaddinedthenightbeforewithMr。andMrs。
Loveredge。TheClubgaveJackHerringpolitelytounderstandthattheyregardedhimasaliar，andproceededtodemandparticulars。
\"IfIwasn’tthere，\"explainedJackHerring，withunanswerablelogic，\"howcanItellyouanythingaboutit？\"
ThisannoyedtheClub，whosecuriosityhadbeenwhetted。Threemembers，actingintheinterestsofthewhole，solemnlyundertooktobelievewhateverhemighttellthem。ButJackHerring’sfeelingshadbeenwounded。
\"Whengentlemencastadoubtuponanothergentleman’sveracity——\"
\"Wedidn’tcastadoubt，\"explainedSomervilletheBriefless。\"Wemerelysaidthatwepersonallydidnotbelieveyou。Wedidn’tsaywecouldn’tbelieveyou;itisacaseforindividualeffort。Ifyougiveusparticularsbearingtheimpressofreality，supportedbydetailsthatdonotundulycontradicteachother，wearepreparedtoputasideournaturalsuspicionsandfacethepossibilityofyourstatementbeingcorrect。\"
\"Itwasfoolishofme，\"saidJackHerring。\"IthoughtperhapsitwouldamuseyoutohearwhatsortofawomanMrs。Loveredgewaslike——somedescriptionofMrs。Loveredge’suncle。MissMontgomery，friendofMrs。Loveredge，iscertainlyoneofthemostremarkablewomenIhaveevermet。Ofcourse，thatisn’therrealname。But，asIhavesaid，itwasfoolishofme。Thesepeople——youwillnevermeetthem，youwillneverseethem;ofwhatinterestcantheybetoyou？\"
\"Theyhadforgottentodrawdowntheblinds，andheclimbedupalamp—postandlookedthroughthewindow，\"wasthesolutionoftheproblemputforwardbytheWeeLaddie。
\"I’mdiningthereagainonSaturday，\"volunteeredJackHerring。
\"Ifanyofyouwillpromisenottomakeadisturbance，youcanhangaboutontheParkside，underneaththeshadowofthefence，andwatchmegoin。Myhansomwilldrawupatthedoorwithinafewminutesofeight。\"
TheBabeandthePoetagreedtoundertakethetest。
\"Youwon’tmindourhangingroundalittlewhile，incaseyou’rethrownoutagain？\"askedtheBabe。
